Contentment?

David and I were talking late into the night a couple of nights ago. Sometimes it's like you can be near to one another and yet so far, and then suddenly look over and think, "oh yeah, it's you! I like you!" And then you talk and talk and talk, like slaking a thirst after wandering the desert. I love talking to him.

Anyway, we were talking about life, and children. We heard from our adoption agency caseworker last Friday with a couple of last-minute questions. She is working on gathering our file. We contacted her about three days or so after losing the baby, and let her know that we wanted to take our file off the shelf and get back into it. It was a month of blowing hot and cold with us for her. We got into contact with her in early June to let her know we wanted to go ahead and finish the licensing process. Then we were sucked into a whirlwind of activity, getting the house ready, getting inspections done, and then doing the homestudy. Five days after doing the homestudy, we found out we were pregnant. I called her the next day and told her our news, and let her know that we wanted to hold off on adopting until the baby was born and settled in. Then, two weeks later, we found out we lost the baby. Three days after that we contacted the caseworker and let her know what happened, and that we wanted back in.

At the time we contacted her to get going again, I wasn't sure I was ready to think about other children yet, as I was still mourning the death of my Tristan. Thankfully I was seeing a counselor who encouraged me to go ahead and prepare to go forward with the adoption, encouraging me that my feelings would change. She knows me well, and knows just how long David and I have wanted a family. At about 9 days out from learning I would miscarry, I was ready to start thinking about adopting and/or getting pregnant again. I am glad that we contacted our caseworker when we did because we were moved to the end of her docket, and it has taken her 3 weeks or so to get back to us. And I am definitely ready now to proceed.

So, back to my original comment- David and I were talking about life. He said that he liked our life right now. Not so much that he wants it to stay this way forever- he definitely wants all the hubbub and chaos a baby will bring, on top of the love, cuddles and cuteness. But, he said he was enjoying it for right now. He feels contentment. I feel more like I'm waiting. There's not really anything left for us to do in reaching our goals at the moment. Pregnancy and adoption are all in the hands of others at the moment. Pregnancy is in the hands of God, and adoption is too, but its also more immediately in the hands of the system and our agency. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before we can start reviewing cases and applying in specific cases to adopt.

Ships in the Night

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, 

only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; 

So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, 

then darkness again and a silence.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been thinking a lot about what exactly to say.  There is so much I want to say, but only so many words that might possibly express what's in my heart.

My joy has turned to sorrow, and my good news to bitter tidings. 

We found out on July 7, 2012 that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, and completely over the moon, and most of all, shocked. I had been pretty certain that I was not pregnant.  We have been doing our best to overcome fertility issues the last two years, and this last cycle gave me no reason to think anything special would happen. 

Then, I started noticing little things. I was so, so tired all the time.  I needed to take a nap each evening. And, I suddenly lost all tolerance for spicy foods.  All I wanted to eat was healthy-ish stuff. I got urges to cook things like cabbage, brussel sprouts, peppers and onions, etc. And I couldn't take the smell or taste of cinnamon. These little things added up, and I finally gave in to my curiosity and took a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE! And then I took another, and another, and finally accepted the idea that I was really pregnant!

I took the first test on a Saturday, and went in to see the doctor on Monday. They did another urine test, and got another positive result. We did blood work, and got even more confirmation. We announced our pregnancy at church and in our church small groups, and did a whole lot of celebrating.

We went down to visit David's parents to tell them the news. They were so, so excited that David's dad went to the store early the next morning and bought gifts for the baby. The started referring to themselves as Grandpa and Nana. We all went shopping together at a baby boutique in their little town's town square. That morning I had woken up with some light cramping and a little brown spotting, but I read in my pregnancy book that this was most likely normal, so we didn't worry about it. I was having a lot of gas pain and bloating, but I took this as a good sign because they say the sicker you are, the better news it is for the pregnancy.

The following Wednesday, we went for our first sonogram.  My mom came with us. This was her seventh grandchild, and the first time she would get to see an ultrasound of a grandchild in person. She was giddy, and so were we. We went in to the little room, I got ready, and then the doctor finally came in. They took a look inside, and got quiet. He told us that he couldn't see anything yet, so come back in a week and maybe we would be able to see something then. He and the nurse went back and forth about how far along I was, and whether there was any possibility that the baby might not be as old as they thought. I felt a little worried, but I figured that it would all be okay. I was still spotting a little, but that was normal, right? The doctor said that in the meantime we could do some more bloodwork. We went down to the lab, I gave some blood, and we were on our way.

That night the gas pain and pressure was terrible. I felt like my abdomen was going to explode. All I could do was lay in bed to get a little relief. I was way more worried and sorry for myself than I was for the baby. I had moments where I saw it as this little devil inside me, blowing up balloons in my gut then tying it in knots so none of the air could get out. Then kicking it. I was hurting pretty bad.

Early the next morning I received a call from one of the nurses at the doctor's office.  They said that the results were back on the blood test, and they weren't good.  It wasn't a good pregnancy. The baby was not developing, and I was going to miscarry. At first I felt relieved because I was so tired of the pain. Then I felt numb. I told David. He looked shocked and pale. Then he went to take a shower and I heard him sob a couple times. At that point it hit me: I lost my baby. I would never get to hold him, comfort him, feed him, or count his little fingers and toes. I would not be able to remark about how much he looked like his daddy. I would not get to see his wispy blonde hair flutter as I push him on a swing in the park. I would not get to fret over baby gas and midnight feedings. I was carrying him in my body still, but this was all the time I would get with him. God took him from me.

I have been in to see the doctor every business day since then. That first day I cried off and on all day. Each day has gotten a little better since then. Today I went in to see the doctor again, and scheduled a D&C for tomorrow. I thought that I wanted to just let the pregnancy pass naturally, but I was calling to myself a world of pain that I haven't got the ability to handle. The bleeding started last night, and the cramping is terrible. They said that the pain, cramping, and miscarriage process could last up to 6 weeks. I read an account online of a woman who took 6 months to finish expelling everything. I grieve with each cramp, and am dreading seeing any part of the pregnancy come out. So, I gladly accepted an appointment for a D&C when it came up today, and I will be relieved to have it over in one fell swoop. Then I can recover, and maybe eventually we will get another chance.

Each day the pain gets a little less, but I will never forget. I will never forget my precious little one, waiting for me in Heaven. He is with God, and is now like an angel. I know he is praying for me, and enjoying Jesus until I can be there to hold him myself.

His name is Tristan. The name came to me on the way to the hospital on Thursday, as I was contemplating his death. I couldn't share my name suggestion until later that night, because of the eminent threat of hysterics lurking at the edge of my control.  I have a fear of beginning to cry when I am feeling sorrow or pain. I have a hidden terror that it will take me over, and I will never be able to stop. That I will die under the weight of it.

After discussing it with David later that day, we decided that Tristan was a wonderful name. His middle name is Honor. Tristan means "sounds of battle; clash of swords". It fits him because as soon as I heard the news I knew he was in Heaven, fighting for God as a mighty warrior- the first of his daddy's arrows against the powers of darkness (Psalm 127). He is my little champion, and it is an honor to carry him.

Now, I hold the pain in my heart, as well as in my body at this point. It is my evidence, and validation. I have a child. He exists. He has a name, and he had a body. I only got to have a small taste of motherhood, but it was real. He is an intimate stranger, my little one. I never got to know his thoughts and feelings about anything, and yet he knew me from the inside out. 

I said this to a dear friend earlier, and it's too good not to record here:

Sometimes I see a woman trudging along with an obvious bump, holding her precious cargo, her gift and blessing. I wonder if she knows how blessed she is. I feel my loss, and I wonder if she knows how much people like me would love to trade places with her. How much some of us wish we could have felt the aches and pains of our baby stretching, growing, and moving inside of us. How some of us don't get to be miserable the way she is because God takes our babies and gives us a different pain, a pain that will never, never go away. It may diminish and fade, but it will always be there in some part, to some extent. 

My firstborn will not walk with me, because he is already walking with God.

Happenings

Tonight we had a lovefest with the animals.  All three were involved and committed to the playing with toys. The cats were so excited that they just about had an aneurysm. They were overloaded with joy at the experience of their life not being boring for 20 minutes.

David made some really delicious lemonade the day before yesterday. He used half the recommended amount of lemonade mix (Countrytime) and then sweetened it up with Sweet n low. Then he added four slices of lemon to soak. And it is sooooo tasty. And pretty. I am addicted. Usually full strength lemonade leaves me feeling a sugar overload, but this stuff is nice, light, and refreshing. And it doesn't leave my lips feeling sticky.

Yesterday we drove all 35 minutes over to our adoption agency. I wanted to meet our new caseworker in person before the homestudy, and we had the last of our paperwork all gathered up to turn in. She was SO nice!! She seemed to really like us, and was way more on the ball and accommodating than the last guy. She is also really good about getting back to us quickly. She went ahead and gave us a tentative time and date for the homestudy! I was impressed because their initial policy line is, "I'll check and see who is available, and after the director looks over your file and approves it we will get back to you." But this awesome lady was just like, "You know what? I have some free time, so I'll just do it. Can I put you down for next Monday?" Can I say again that she is awesome? And she emailed today to let us know that the director is fine with it, and she will see us Monday morning at 10:30. Great!

Before we went to the agency we stopped by the hospital to get my blood drawn for another test. They are looking at my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated this time. There is some doubt in my mind if I did or not, because there was a big mix-up and I didn't end up taking the Ovidrel shot, which would help trigger ovulation. I forgot to call and tell the pharmacist when to fill the prescription, so when we needed it, they hadn't ordered it yet. Doh. So I freaked out a little, and then just decided to stop worrying about it and let God work in this. If He wants me to get pregnant, nothing will stop it. If He doesn't, then nothing will make it happen. I know I will soon be a mommy either by adoption or by biology, and that He delights in creating families, so I feel secure. He has promised to make the barren woman a happy mother of children. And sometimes that is through adoption. Not everyone clings to and claims that promise, but I do. And I think that some women who struggle with fertility problems end up being very fruitful spiritual mothers, even if they don't get to raise as many (or any) children in their home as they would have liked.

Last weekend we went up to IKEA and finally bought a crib and changing table. We wanted to have it all set up and put together for the safety inspection. I am super pumped about it.  The nursery is pretty much in order now, except I still want to get a rocking chair for the nursery and a bassinet for our bedroom.  Also, I need to get two changing pads- one for upstairs and one for downstairs. And there's a whole list of other stuff I need to get, but I'm sure that someone will want to throw a shower and I can register for some of this stuff.

So, I find out tomorrow morning if I ovulated or not. I am anxious to hear. And I have 5 days left til the homestudy.  This is the big one, folks. The one we have been nervous about since we first started the process. The one where the agency decides if we are sane and stable enough to take in a baby, and if they like us enough to help us do so. I don't know of any reason they wouldn't decide in our favor on both of those topics, but I am nervous about being judged all the same. 

Dreaming of Quiche

I have had this insatiable craving to gaze longingly at pictures and recipes of quiche lately. I'm hesitant and quakey at the idea of actually trying to make one, but the pictures of them just look so, so, so good. So I just thrill myself with a handful of Raisinets and a couple hours of perusing food blogs with pictures and recipes of other people's quiches. Lorraine, asparagus, broccoli, even cheeseburger... they all melt my butter.  I am an equal-opportunity quiche admirer.

Today I took my last dose of estradiol and dexamethasone (i.e., hormone supplement and steroid). If my ovaries were a high school football team, the meds I take each cycle would loosely be characterized: Clomid as the coach, estradiol as the cheerleaders, and dexamethasone as the parent coalition. The Clomid tells the ovaries to make the eggs, the estradiol supports the development, and the dexamethasone (the steroid) keeps everyone from acting up.

Anyway, at this point I feel like I would do anything for a baby. I would even like to just borrow one for awhile. The hormones are running high, and I have a bad case of the baby-gimmes.

We now have a scheduled date for our safety inspection of our house. We are doing our best to jump back into the process of getting approved to adopt, and that is the second to last step.  The final step is the home study.

This whole adoption journey has been complicated.  It's a practical, time-consuming, and emotional journey all rolled into one. We went through a phase in the last four months or so where we both got pretty overwhelmed by it all and just needed to stick our heads in the sand for a while. After all, this isn't like buying a goldfish.  This is an eternal, human life we're considering incorporating into our household for the long-haul, and training, teaching, and discipling for the glory of God. That, and ultimately we have the same issues as every human being on the face of the earth.  We are subject to fear and selfishness.

We debated for a while whether or not we were pursuing adoption to please God or to try and circumvent His plan and fulfill our desires for a child ourselves. We want a family so badly, and we wanted to be careful that we weren't rushing forward by our own purposes and designs like Abraham and Sarah did with Hagar. We want to trust God with our family, and sometimes it gets a little confusing trying to tell which direction he wants us to go.

So, we took a break. And, I had my surgery.  I decided that it would be good to make sure that I am healthy before we deliberately take on more responsibility. It would be one thing if God had just gone, "BAM! Baby!" and I got pregnant the way I was- obviously He knows best and would have sustained me through it. It's another thing to initiate a child's arrival ourselves while in a condition that's not conducive to being the best mommy I can be.

The break was also nice because we went through a very stressful period where well-meaning friends and family members suggested different scenarios where a baby might be available for adopting or need a home. I know that each time my friend/family member's heart was in the right place, but each time was such an emotional roller coaster. This happened three times, and by the time January was on its way out I was exhausted. I even went through a phase where my heart cried out, "God, if You decide to miraculously cause us to conceive a baby, fine. But I'm really okay with just my husband and my cat."

Thankfully I have pulled through, and am firmly on the other side of those sentiments. I once again feel emotionally secure and capable of survivng the process and cherishing children of my own. The desperation and impatience isn't eating me alive anymore.

I know some may wonder if it's wise to jump back into pursuing adoption while we are trying to conceive naturally as well. I wonder that, too. I also know that the more avenues I am pursuing the less anxious and obsessed I feel about each particular one. Having both options open clears the air, and helps me feel secure that it is going to happen. And not pursuing both avenues leaves me feeling sad.  I have a very strong feeling that God wants to build our family in both ways, and I am excited to see what he is going to do.

Hmmmmm....

Last night, David and I were reading Galatians, and I was particularly struck by several verses.


Ch1
²³They were only hearing it said, He who used to persecute us is now proclaiming the very faith he once reviled and which he set out to ruin and tried with all his might to destroy.
    ²⁴And they glorified God [as the Author and Source of what had taken place] in me.

I thought it was interesting that Paul thought it important to point out his glee that onlookers were giving God the full credit for what had taken place in his life on Earth, and his point of final destination.

CH. 2
 ⁶Moreover, [no new requirements were made] by those who were reputed to be something--though what was their individual position and whether they really were of importance or not makes no difference to me; God is not impressed with the positions that men hold and He is not partial and recognizes no external distinctions--those [I say] who were of repute imposed no new requirements upon me [had nothing to add to my Gospel, and from them I received no new suggestions].

Paul is referring to the controversy over whether Christians ought to submit to the laws of strict Judaism, and specifically whether they ought to be circumcised. His point is that God is not impressed by all the bells and whistles that people try to add to their Christian walk, seeking brownie points and superiority; the only one doing any work or action that amounts to anything is God Himself. Even our best effort and good deed is as dung compared to the awesome, perfect, purity of God.

¹⁶Yet we know that a man is justified or reckoned righteous and in right standing with God not by works of the Law, but [only] through faith and [absolute] reliance on and adherence to and trust in Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). [Therefore] even we [ourselves] have believed on Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the Law [for we cannot be justified by any observance of the ritual of the Law given by Moses], because by keeping legal rituals and by works no human being can ever be justified (declared righteous and put in right standing with God).

 To me, the fact that God's love for me and my place in heaven is unconnected to my attempts and failures here on Earth gives such a sense of freedom.  Since coming to this knowledge, the yoke has been much easier and the burden much lighter. My relationship with Christ has now become based on an overwhelming sense of gratitude- that He can be what I cannot, and that He has given me the perfect record, the only way I can stand before and in the holiness of God and not be consumed by fire and regret. Praise Jesus!

Excerpts from my Adoption Profile

Not all questions on the profile are worthy or good for sharing, but I wanted to give you all a little taste of the better questions and answers from all the paperwork.

How do you think becoming a foster/adopt parent will affect your employment/work?
I am a stay-at-home-wife currently, so it will change everything. It will also give me a lot of joy and fulfillment. Throughout my life, whenever I pondered what I wanted to do with myself as an adult, the only consistent answers were to be a wife and mother.

How important do you feel extra-curricular (school and personal) activities are for children?
They are very important. Children need a large network of friends, interests, and mentors in their life. The more people that are involved and invested in a child's life, helping them work toward a bright future, the better.

How important will your foster/adopt child's grades and school performance be to you?
It is very important to me that my children do their best in all they do, as for God and not men.  However, the grade letter isn't as important as it is for them to develop character, wisdom, and their individual God-given talents and potential. I will do whatever it takes to see my children succeed in school and in life overall.

What do you see as your greatest strength as a parental role model?
I am very willing to admit when I am wrong or have made a mistake, and ask for forgiveness and prayers. I want my kids to learn through my behavior and teaching that there is no mistake that is too big to be forgiven, and that God's grace covers over all our imperfections. One of my dreams for my relationship with my children is to build a team-effort attitude with them in their raising, and for them to pray for me every day in my job as their mommy. I don't want to have an arrogant attitude with them, and act like I never make mistakes, misunderstand, or sin.

What is your greatest fear about fostering/adopting children?
That I will get attached to a child, and they will attach to me, and then not be able to keep them. Also, I am afraid that they will never come to a place where they are glad to have me as their mom.

What would you like to tell a perspective foster/adopt child about your home and family?
I am so, so looking forward to meeting them! I will love them forever, and once they are in my family they will have a home with me forever-- or as long as they want one.  I will never give up on them.

Please compose a brief statement of your religious faith.
I believe in a sovereign God, and in salvation through faith alone, by grace alone, in Christ Jesus alone. Everything that happens in this world is for the purpose of revealing the glory of God in some way. We are saved by the mercy of God, and not by works. Jesus was the son of God, and was both fully God and fully human. Our life on Earth was foreordained through God's wisdom and love, and we have a responsibility to be servants, encouragers, and messengers of the gospel.  There are no coincidences, and while God grieves at the evil in this world, we are guaranteed that He will make everything work out for our good, those of us who love Him.
Christ (God) is my first love in this world and the next. He is my ultimate joy, and whenever I think on him my soul brims with sweetness.  Nothing is as important to me as knowing Christ more and more, and knowing that those around me know Him also.
I love to study the Word, meditate on its wisdom, and look for signs in my daily life of the Spirit at work. There's no way to ever completely understand God with our human minds; I just do my best to be open and accepting of everything I learn through the Word, and read it without bias or notions of what it "should" say or mean. The best excitement to me is contemplating being with God in heaven someday, and learning at the feet of Jesus.

Wisdom Searches

I've been meaning to post about this for awhile now.  Every morning for the last 2.5 months, David and I have been waking up a little earlier and doing a Bible study together based on character qualities and Proverbs.  We start by reading the character quality for that day (we move on to the next quality every three days), then the chapter of Proverbs for that day. It's easy because there are 31 chapters in Proverbs, and 30-31 days each month.  Last month only had 30 days, but the evening of the 30th David decided to read me the 31st Proverb and talk about how he saw the attributes of the excellent woman in me. Because he's amazing like that.

After we read our chapter, then we each spend as long as we need to perusing back over the chapter and making notes about where we see the character quality of the day either referenced, applied, or otherwise related to.  Then, when we both are done, we share our insights with each other.  It has been a blessed activity, and has increased the voice of the Lord in my heart and mind tenfold.  I have decided to start sharing some of my nuggets of insight on my blog, with the reference label "Wisdom Nuggets".

It's kind of interesting the way character qualities and the words of admonition that go along with them match up to what we are experiencing at the moment.  Sometimes I feel loathe to participate, and tune in and invest myself in the search because the application is so deeply-rooted. And sometimes I just don't wanna hear what God is saying.  Because I want. MY. way.

And other times I avoid the conviction because I feel lazy, and my heart says, "Really, God, today is just not a good time for me.  Raincheck?" But that's usually not a good answer to Him, and there's usually a consequence for my attitude- somehow things still turn out good for me, but I usually come to a bittersweet realization of missed blessing. If it wasn't for that darned sin nature getting in the way of us acting and receiving all the blessings God would like to give us, I think the verse would read "All things work for the utmost excellence and felicity of those who love God...etc." But that's not what it says.

Right now the study is focused on the character quality Endurance.  We get our character qualities and their meanings from the book "Achieving True Success: How to build character as a family" by "Character First!" It is such a wonderful book, and we have so enjoyed using it. It has a antonym quality for each positive character quality, and then a very concrete definition of the quality along with examples of what that quality looks like in the home. It has been a great study aid.

So, just as an example, I will give one of my wisdom nuggets for today.  Today is October 6, so the chapter for today is Proverbs 6.

Quality: Endurance vs. Discouragement
Vs.6-8   Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider her ways and be wise!-- Which, having no chief, overseer, or ruler, provides her food in the summer and gathers her supplies in the harvest.  
        ~ It is important for me to have the same kind of endurance as an ant, and continue doing what I know is right, even when no one is watching.  The sluggard is the one who gets discouraged, gives up, and gives in to his fleshly desires of rest and pleasure.  There is a time for sleeping-- don't use sleep as an excuse to not be effective in accomplishing worthy goals. 

Letting Go

I've been thinking a lot today about all the blessings in my life.  I had a good hour of such sweet fellowship with my David this morning during/after our morning Bible study time.  I have such an immense amount of adoration and respect for him- I feel overwhelmed when I think about just how big of a blessing he is to me.  In a way, he is the proof to my heart that God loves me.

I've been thinking a lot about how the blessing of having a good husband is not something that I feel I gave myself.  I truly feel like God brought us to each other, and then worked a miracle. Then I think about all my desire and aspiration toward parenthood, and it's like starting back at square one of my trust in God.  This is one thing that is impossible for me to control- we are open to accepting whatever God brings us (under the age of three), with no preference set even on the gender. I can't do anything to make it happen faster or slower.  I have to just keep working through the system and the training, and then it comes to a point where it's all on God.

I find myself getting anxious, and worrying that the blessing God is bringing won't be good. Or even worse, that He isn't bringing one at all.  And then I think about how much He has been faithful to me thus far, and the thought comes: the question isn't "How can I trust Him?", but "How could I not?"

A Blessed Weekend

On Friday, my wonderful David and I went out of town for a Family Camp.  It was one of those things where they have classes for the men, women, men and women together, and classes for the children so they can have fun and learn some things too while the parents are being taught and edified.  I believe I commented about it in my last post.  We were a little fearful on the way down there- as in, "What if we are the only people there with no kids?" "What if everyone else already knows each other, and we are just the weird newcomers, and we just feel awkward and don't make any friends?"  "What if we stick out like a sore thumb and no one talks to us?"

It turns out that for the most part our fears were unfounded.  We did end up being the only childless couple there, but we didn't end up feeling all that weird about it.  It's not for lack of desire that we have no children.  We ended up feeling so embraced, encouraged, and inspired while we were down there.  I was inspired by the women there, and David was discipled, bolstered, and encouraged by the men there.  I'm not sure yet where we are as far as fully embracing everything they teach there, but we fully agree with 95% of it.  And it was so wonderful to be surrounded with like-minded families.  Nancy Campbell is swiftly becoming my favorite author and teacher- while we were down there I bought her manual "The Family Meal Table and Hospitality", and I have started reading it, and it is absolutely wonderful!

Also, while we were there, David felt very convicted that we needed to discontinue our excessive use of TV and make our home into a place of peace.  I will have to say that I had some moments where I doubted his seriousness about actually following through on this idea, but once we got home I got much more of an idea just how serious he was.  As soon as we got home, he erased the queue of recorded TV shows and disconnected the DVR.  Then he said he was going to call the company the next day and pare the service down to just internet and telephone.  I am so inspired by his diligent seeking of obedience in our family and home.  It has continued to be incredibly peaceful around here, despite my occasional jonesing for some Dr. Phil or Toddlers 'n Tiaras.

Also, I have had more time to concentrate on other things around the house, and as a result, today I made some brownies from scratch, homemade bread, worked out at the gym, and cleaned my house up a bit.  I also took a few minutes and chatted with my mom on the phone, and this morning I was out of the house for a few hours for my BSF Bible study.  So my time at home has gotten leaps and bounds more productive.

Another good result of the retreat that I have greatly enjoyed is that David has stepped up even more as the spiritual leader of our home.  He had already been reading the Bible and other books at night before we go to sleep, but now he has just gotten so much more passionate and fervent in doing devotionals in the morning and evening, praying whenever the need arises, and encouraging me with words of love and appreciation.  I feel like such a lucky woman, and I know that God has just been sending a flood of blessings down upon us lately.

My Day

Today has been a great day.  I am writing this at just after midnight, because it has taken this long for my mind to calm and the inspiration to journal to hit.

So, today has been a great day.  I have so much to be thankful for.  The very first thing I am thankful for is my God.  He has answered so many prayers of mine in the last couple of weeks.  The biggest prayer that He has answered for me is an answer to the aching loneliness that has drenched my heart for as long as I can remember.  I can remember being a forlorn kindergartener sitting at the top of monkey bars all by myself, watching the other kids play, and thinking, "I will always be alone."  I know now that that doesn't have to be true! I feel that I have many friends and family who love and appreciate me, and I don't think for one second that my present contentment is an accident or coincidence.  Thank you, God. 

The second thing that I am thankful for is those same people deposited into my world as gift-wrapped blessings mentioned above.  I have had several different people over to my house in the last two months, and I have felt so honored and pleased to spend time with them!  My heart and spirit have felt nourished and bolstered by the fellowship.  I have also spent a lot of time talking to very dear friends on the phone this past week, and have been so nurtured by their grace and input.

Also, I am thankful for my family members.  Today I spent a good long while talking on the phone to my sister A. (sister-in-law just doesn't seem to do that bond justice...) We talked for almost 5 hours.  It was incredible.  I was just reflecting on how much I enjoyed talking with her, and it occurred to me that what was so wonderful about it was that there was no urgency, no pressure to perform, be funny, be smart, be anything other than... me.  And that I was okay.  What a gift! My heart is aglow.

And, I am grateful for my wonderful husband.  I thank God for him every day.  He is such a wonderful leader, provider, and friend for me!  Sometimes I reflect on just how well he treats me, and marvel at the man God gave me.  I feel inspired and encouraged by his strength of character, his kind heart, his generosity, his sense of humor, and his general wonderfulness.  Thank you for being you, David!

I am thankful for my little kitties who follow me around everywhere I go during the day. I am so comforted and delighted by their presence.  I was having a sad moment the day before yesterday, and Trinket came to me and curled up next to me, and asked me to rub her belly.  Then, yesterday, I was talking on the phone to someone and an upsetting topic came up, and Gizmo came running over and rubbed her little head on my chin, then cuddled up under my neck and started purring.  What great cats!

I am also thankful for the Spirit.  I have felt such a shift in my heart in the last year.  I have become more aware of the grace of God working in my life and my heart, and He has changed me into a better, happier, more patient person.  I feel the change is completely dramatic.  I still have my moments of feeling blue, but I have an overriding sense that I'm okay now, and that I am forgiven, and that it will all be okay.

So, basically most of what I did today was talk on the phone all afternoon- but what a great day it was!  And, I learned how to do things around the house one-handed... go me.

More Happenings

This past weekend was restful and hectic all at once!  A lot has been going on- though more of the hecticness has been emotional rather than physical.  Last Friday, David and I finally went and saw the A-team movie!  Woo hoo!  It was really good!  The best part, though, was seeing how excited and how much enjoyment David got out of reliving his boyhood while we were watching it.  And, seeing them be "shot down in a tank" was pretty hilarious.  I really liked seeing the sequence about how they met at the beginning.

Then, after the movie, we went and had lunch at Freebird's, which is David's favorite burrito place.  I was psyched to try out a vegetarian burrito.  I splurged with some queso on my burrito, and I was impressed with their roasted garlic and grilled veggies.  It was delicious!

After lunch, we went shopping for groceries at Whole Foods, where I found several frozen vegan meat substitutes, and I was pumped about that.  I have been missing the flavors of fried meat particularly, and they had some breaded "chik'n" patties which are delicious.

Then, Friday night, my parents and neices came over.  The girls were very excited to get to see the guest room, and play with all of the toys that I had gotten out of storage.  We had dinner with them, and then visited a while and watched some tv, and then my parents took them home.

On Saturday, we slept in really late.  Then, we watched a couple of movies on tv, worried over finances (this is the hectic part), then my parents came over and we went shopping at the Salvation Army thrift store.  I found a wall unit there that I sort of liked, but David and I had agreed on a 20 dollar limit, and the manager didn't seem to think that was a good price.  So, we went along on our merry way.  We came back home, had dinner with my parents, and watched another movie.

Then, on Sunday, we had a very good day.  We went to church, and I was reminded how much I love my church family all over again.  I was very glad to see everyone, but very tired.  While we were there, we looked in the library, and I got to check out a book that I have been wanting to read for quite a while now,  "A Full Quiver" by Rick and Jan Hess.  David and I have been reading it together and enjoying it mightily.

After church, we came home and worked on the house for a while.  Then, one of our friends from church came by to pick up some of our moving boxes that we were finished with.  I was very happy to see them go, since they were taking up mucho space in my living room.  And, I was very happy to help out a friend.  Boxes can be expensive!

Then, it was time to get ready and go to my wonderful sister Carrie's house for the Fourth of July.  We had a cookout, played Loaded Questions (very fun!) and watched fireworks.  I am so thankful for my family!

Then, we came home, crashed in bed and slept, slept, slept.  We woke up pretty late on Monday.  Like, 1:00pm late.  I was cool with that- I'll enjoy being able to do that now before we have little people running around to wake us up.

Once we woke up, I packed up a picnic lunch and we headed down to Lancaster.  We had to check on the old house, and David had to mow the lawn.  We were blessed that it wasn't too hot, and David did a fabulous job.  I enjoyed watching my amazing husband at work!

Then, we headed home, read out loud for a while, and then had to go to the grocery store for some tortillas and salad.  I've been enjoying making quesadillas with my vegan chicken and cheese substitutes.  They are yummy!  So, we had quesadillas and salad for dinner, and watched a show on tv.  Then, we read out loud some more and went to sleep.

So, it has been a weekend full of activity and some good rest.  On Saturday we were feeling so worried and overwhelmed about finances, but then the message on Sunday at church was about leaning not on our own understanding, but on God's, and trusting Him to take care of us.  We were both so encouraged and comforted!  God has been really good to us in all of this, and I have faith that He will continue to work everything out.

Belated Open Letter to my Neice on her 18th Birthday

Dear E-,

I wanted to take a minute to write you a letter for your birthday, and let you know just how much you mean to me. You have grown into such an amazing, precious young woman, burgeoning at the threshold of your adult life. The future is full of possibility and wonder, especially for one as smart, talented, and unique as yourself.  I want to encourage you, and give you the heartfelt words that I wish I had heard at your age.

1. Have faith in yourself, but have even more in God.  He can forgive anything, and will.  He will aide you in your heart's desires, and He can bring anything about- even more than you can imagine.  Never doubt that He is holding you in the palm of His hand, lovingly cradled, protected and provided for.  He already knows and has made provision for every step of your journey through this life, and He will be working through all of this for your good.  Life might not always be pleasant, and there will be a lot of pain. Have faith that there is a purpose to everything.  You won't always get what you pray for, but God will always hear you and answer.  Unmet requests, even those delivered in heart-wrenching cries, are not really a "no" as some want to characterize it- they're more like an "I love you too much to give you that."  You might not understand why things are happening the way they are at the time, but hopefully you will come to appreciate hindsight greatly.

2.  Never give your power away to anyone else.  Never hang your happiness and success upon what someone else does or says.  When you make your happiness dependent upon what someone else thinks of you, you might win a battle or two, but you will lose the war, and a whole lot more.  You can choose to be happy, even if the world is falling apart around you.  That's not to say that others have no affect upon our feelings- it is possible to be hurt by others.  Your choice is how long the hurt will be your number one feeling. Also, it is important to honor your sadness when you have it. Invite it in for tea, and before long it will decide to be on its way again.  I want to commend you on your skill at feeling already.  I have to say that I greatly admire your access to your tears- mine are not so accessible to me, and I have had to expend a lot of effort in learning to let myself cry sometimes. What a blessing that you have such a sensitive heart!

3.  If you never ask, the answer will always be no.  If you do ask, you risk hearing the word no, but you also might just get what you want!  There are no iron-clad rules for how you must live your life. (Aside from the law of the land and Biblical morality)  Once you are out on your own, you get to decide how much time you spend playing, and how much time you spend working, and how clean your living space is.  Others will always have their opinions about how you "should" be conducting your life, but I've learned over the years that what others think of me really is not my business.  Let them think what they want; you get to make up your own mind.  If it's Godly, legal, and you like it, then go for it!

4. Be assured of your salvation.  Never underestimate the power of grace, and the fact that when God looks at you, He sees His love for you.  You are infinitely lovable, and 100% likable.  You are beautiful, talented, smart, and kind, and you have a million reasons to hold your head high.  It is necessary in this life to get really good at a few of your favorite skills, but don't stress about being perfect, or being the best.  At the end of life, it won't matter how much money you made or how famous you were- what will matter is how well you loved, and how much joy you experienced.  And, it will matter what you did with your talents.  A talent doesn't necessarily need to make you money or become a profession as much as it needs to be used to bless others and glorify God.

5. Focus on what you like about everything, and let go of the things you don't like.  Don't talk about the negative.  Accentuate the positive.  Expect nothing, and appreciate everything.  Gratitude is the name of the game if you want to have a happy life.

6. Always walk into relationships.  Unhealthy relationships are those begat by people running to or away from someone or something. Be confident in your ability to meet all of your needs yourself (with the strength imparted by God), so that when someone else comes into your life platonically or romantically they can be enjoyed and appreciated without the weight of expectations.

7. Do everything you can to stay out of debt.  Credit cards and the companies behind them will eat you alive if you let them.  If you feel you must have a credit card, pay the balance off immediately if you ever use it.  The best option is to use cash.  There's just something psychologically significant about feeling the dollars in your sweaty palms before you spend them.  Holding physical money before spending it makes letting go of it harder; you want it to be as hard as possible. If it's a good idea to buy something, then it will still be a good idea in a week.  Always wait at least two days before buying something that costs more than 10 dollars. Do your best to owe nothing to anyone but kindness and love. 

8. Keep a plant alive for at least 6 months before getting a pet, and especially before getting married.  The fantasy of having a pet or spouse is very different from the reality of having one. Cacti don't count, either (or any other kind of plant in the family of desert plants). Cats can learn to open doors of all kinds, so you have to make sure you're up to the task of caging Houdini before you enter into that bag of fun.

9.  Don't stress over being like anyone else in your walk with God.  Your faith is between you and God, and no one else.  Beware of those who act like they already have it all figured out- that just means that they walk closely with denial. It's okay to be wrong, and to make mistakes.  Being wrong and making mistakes are both great opportunities for growth.  Never, never, never, never explain yourself to anyone, unless they ask.  If they want to know, they'll ask.  If they don't ask, they won't hear you even if you do your best.  If they do ask, keep it short and simple.  "Because that's what I wanted to do" is sufficient in most cases.  Now that you are an adult, I reiterate that there are very few iron-clad rules about what you must do with your life, and as long as it's moral, legal, and you enjoy it, then more power to you to go for it!  I also must say that I admire you already for your strength of personality, and your ability to do what you like without explanation.  I like your confidence in yourself- well done!

I know that this open letter has been more didactic in nature than my other open letters to people.  Perhaps this is because you are still young, and in writing this to you I am also reminding myself of these things, and revisiting my hard-headed and stubborn 18-year-old self.  I hope that you find some of my thoughts helpful, and whatever you disagree with or know already you will set aside, and forgive me for redundancy.

I want you to know that you are an absolutely scrumptious young woman.  You are superb and delightful.  I love your thoughtfulness and feeling, and the way that you absorb what's going on around you like a sponge before adding your input.  You are beautiful, smart, and conscientious.  You are careful, deliberate, and absolutely precious. I love you so much, and I am so delighted with how intelligent, mature, and fantastic you are.  I love how you accept people for who they are, and for the confidence with which you face the world. I love your passion, and your artistic pursuits.  You have a beautiful heart and soul.  I truly loved your paintings you showed me the last time I was in your room.  You have a gift with the paintbrush. I love how creative and expressive you are with your writing and artwork.  Do everything you can to hold onto and nurture your talents.  Only you can speak the words in your mind, and express the feelings in your heart.  Your spirit is a priceless treasure.  I can only praise God for the blessing of putting you in this world as my wonderful neice. Before the beginning of time He knew who you are, and finely crafted you with your unique skills, abilities, and soul.  I will continue to pray for you, your life, and your future, and thank God for you.

I love you dearly, my E-.

Your loving Aunt

The Countdown

It is officially three days until the closing date on the new house!  WOO HOO! I felt like this day would never, ever get here!  I am so excited, and I have practically been counting down the hours.  I find thoughts along the lines of "It's already 10 am, so this day is over and doesn't count...." and such.  I still have quite a bit of packing to do though.  I have most of the items not necessary for daily living in storage, so at this point it's packing things up that I "need".  What can I say- my college degree is mostly in procrastination.

It's been awhile since I last blogged because I have had a lot on my plate to deal with, and I haven't been in such a happy frame of mind for most of it.  I have a goal of only blogging things that are positive, funny, helpful, or quirky, and nothing negative.  I feel that we are called to focus our minds on higher things.  That doesn't mean I am free from days (or weeks) of "Bah Humbug!" though.  My cats can attest there have been quite a few of those lately.  Thus, the lack of blog posts.

I'm feeling much better now though!  David and I have been so lucky and blessed to be surrounded by loving family members and our church family, and I have been delighting in spending time with them recently.  Tonight David is spending time with some of the younger men from church, and I am so thrilled for him- he has been so excited about it, and about developing deeper relationships with guy friends.

The silver lining in the midst of the pain recently has been the fact that I have fell the Spirit and presence of God more now than ever before.  David and I have been reading a few chapters in the Bible and in another book of our choice for the last few weeks, and we have drawn such strength and peace from it.  Last night we were particularly uplifted when our nightly Bible allotment fell on Isaiah 53-55: "For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the hills shall clap their hands." (excerpt)

Family Boo-boos

A LOT has been going on the last couple of weeks.  It's not that I forgot about my blog, I just wasn't sure whether or not I was ready to talk about what's been happening. 

My lovely, precious Grandma B. has cancer.  It's too far spread to operate or treat, so they are just making her comfortable.  We don't know how much longer she has to live, but they did a biopsy yesterday, so we will be finding out soon.  I am very very sad about it, as is my wonderful husband.

Also, David's brother suffered a head injury a week ago, and they still don't know what happened.  He's doing better now, though.

No buyer has showed up yet to look at our house that we are trying to sell.  Boo.

The good things this week have been that I have returned to a normal diet now, so no more mushy foods.  I still haven't taken on anything like raw carrots though.  They scare me a little.

Also, Trinket has been very cuddly and playful.  She is such a silly, and she brightens up the day.

My little avocado tree is expressing its support by putting out new leaf shoots, and by having grown a couple more inches and added several leaves twice the size of the three it had two months ago.

Also, I have had several really great visits with family and friends, and have received much encouragement! I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life.

Gizmo is still a little crazy, but at least nowadays it seems to be a happy-crazy.

The best thing that is the most uplifting, though, is my God.  David and I have been staying faithful in reading a few chapters of the Bible together each night.  Last night we read 1 Peter 1 &2.  "In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope.... In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith-- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-- may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."  Thank you, God, for giving us hope, and thank you for my trials, the fire which refines my faith.  Nothing could be better than being able to bring glory to God in my life.

I still feel so very sad.  I'm not ready to lose Grandma yet. But for now, I am okay with being sad.  It won't last forever, but our souls and salvation will.

*** Edited to add: Grandma Brown passed away not too long after I posted this originally.***

Update on the House-Buying and Other Things

The new house is ripening swimmingly (it's okay if I mix my metaphors, right?).  Last Friday we had the inspection done by a guy recommended to us by Greg, and it took about 3 hours.  The walk-through took about 30 minutes.  The news is good.  There are no major problems with the house (thanks, God!).

Then, Monday evening we met over dinner with the loan shark  highway robber  loan officer, and signed our life away a whole bunch of papers to get the process started for applying for a mortgage.  We've been pre-approved already, so all of these papers and this process are just a formality at this point, or so I've been told.  Once the loan is approved and everything, then they will do the appraisal, and then we will close at the closing date, which is May 6.

So, basically we are just waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.

A really good thing that happened recently was that I went for an overnight get-away with some of the women from my ministry group at church to a lake house this past weekend.  I felt so refreshed during and afterwards, and it was just so nice to relax, talk, pray, and just soak in the beauty of nature for a few hours.  One of the most exciting parts for me was the halfway-civilized deer that would wander by occasionally.  At one point I spotted a mother and two fawns!  And they still had spots on their back!  Cute! :)

Also, I had a moment of conviction this afternoon.  I was reading the latest issue of Above Rubies magazine, and there was an article talking about how a lot of us have the Bible on a shelf, but not in our hearts.  I realized that a lot of times I pray for God's will to be done, or for Him to make His will known for me in certain things, and yet I spend so little time in the Word.  How can we discern what His will is if we are not reading his letter to us?  A lot of times I just go by what "seems Christian" instead of searching it out in the Word.  There are so many competing philosophies and influences in our world and culture that can sneak up on us and creep in when we are least expecting it. Plus, there are times when I get so focused on the things that I want, and I actively resist considering and waiting on what God's will is.  I have become renewed in my desire to fortify my mind and heart through reading the Word.

Best Easter Ever

Yesterday was, in my humble opinion, the best Easter ever.  I liked that it was so very low-key.  David and I went to my oldest sister's house for lunch with my side of the family.  After lunch there was an Easter-egg hunt (indoors since it was raining...) for the two youngest members of the family- Shayce and Kylie.  Kylie kept finding eggs during lunch so that by the time it was actually time to officially start the egg hunt, my teenaged neices had to take a couple minutes and re-hide about half of the eggs.

I took my current crochet project with me to work on whenever the mood hit.  I got the opportunity to chat with pretty much everyone, and got several small granny-squares done for my next small blanket (for the hope chest).  David and I finally ended up leaving a little before midnight, after having some really good, deep, heartfelt conversation with my sister and her husband.  We closed the night in prayer, and I so enjoyed the feeling of unity amongst the four of us during and afterwards.  I love my family! :)

Yesterday was a wonderful family experience for me, helped by the fact that I have gotten older and more appreciative.  The atmosphere was just comfortable, companionable, and peaceful.  I felt so much joy in seeing them all, and my biggest accomplishment (in my opinion) was that I was able to let go of the expectation for them to please me or be perfect, and I just accepted and loved what was.  I can say with full honesty and heartfelt confidence that even if I could, I wouldn't change anything about any of them.  I love them all exactly as they are, for who they are.  And, I think I am truly beginning to feel the same way towards myself.

Not to say that I and my family don't have issues, or that I had an entire day without struggles, temptations, and trials with my temper. BUT, they and I are good enough. I'm one more step down the path toward "Anyway" love.  Not the kind of love that says "I will love you if ____, or when ___", but the kind that says "I will love you anyway."

House-buying Update

Ok, so this is the deal with the new house negotiations:  they are being stubborn and won't come down on their price.  We gave them a very very good counter-offer, but they are holding out over a few thousand dollars.  Greg thinks that they are waiting to see if they get any better offers over the weekend, maybe in the next couple of weeks.  Our position is that we are waiting to see what happens, and saying nothing else to them about it.  I am hoping that they get no other offers on their house, and that they sweat over this a bit.  Then maybe they will be a little more reasonable.  I also wonder if they were offended at our very first offer, which I must admit was pretty low. 

I feel pretty stressed about all of this, because I really liked that house.  I even had daydreams about our pets running around inside, and had begun considering which room would make a good nursery for when the time comes for that.  I have been praying for faith that God knows what is best for us in all of this, and that I can trust Him to take care of us.  I've also been praying for God to set a hedge of thorns around that property so that no one else shows any interest and they come back and beg us to take it off their hands....  Oh well, if this isn't the house for us, then I'm sure that God has something better just around the corner.

New House Update

David and I have been talking with our realtor Greg a lot recently.  Last night he told us that the people whose house we want decided to reject our offer, with an invitation for another offer tagged on the end of the letter.  Soooooo, Greg said he would talk to their realtor this morning and see what the deal was, and what their thinking about it is.  Then, we talked to him this evening and he said that he had talked to their realtor this afternoon, and their realtor is going to get them to counter our bid.  This is a good step.  Technically, once we get their counter-offer, then we are half a step closer to getting the house.  Once they counter-offer, their property is then tied up until we make a deal or walk away.  When they rejected our offer outright, that left them open to accept other offers and make a deal with someone else without saying boo to us about it.  Once we get a counter-offer, then we have first dibs and no competition until we either own the house or walk away.  I am very happy tonight, and in an entirely different place emotionally than last night, where I was in the depths of despair for the rest of the night because of the rejection.  So, further proof that God is good, and that I need to just trust that He will work this all out for the best, even if that means this isn't the house for us.  But we still need prayers.

The Fear of the Lord

I've been enjoying several books by Mary Pride recently, namely "The Way Home" and "Schoolproof", both of which are excellent.  David and I are actually reading "The Way Home" together, and it has been a great conversation piece and devotional topic each night before we go to sleep.

I was just reading Schoolproof, and I came across the part where she explains that the beginning of teaching your children to be lifelong learners is to teach them fear, or respect.  She quotes an idea from several verses in the Bible that say that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom:

Proverbs 1:7
The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning and the principal and choice part of knowledge [its starting point and its essence]; but fools despise skillful and godly Wisdom, instruction, and discipline.


Proverbs 9:10
The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning (the chief and choice part) of Wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight and understanding.
 
This idea struck a chord within me.  Isn't it interesting when you can feel the Spirit of Truth work in your mind and heart and cause a familiar text to penetrate deeper than ever before, and "click"? 
 
For exactly one year I worked with kids in the projects as an after-school activities coordinator, and it was something I really struggled with.  I got very attached to those little ones, and even some of the big ones, too.  Something that used to strike me about them (and hurt my feelings at times...) was that they were completely unafraid of being disciplined.  It seemed to me like they didn't care whether or not they participated in the program, no matter how kind and loving I was or how good the food and candy was. 
 
So, I had an epiphany whilst reading the book.  To the same degree that those children were unafraid of discipline, they were unwilling to exert themselves.  Their level of investment emotionally was the same level of perseverance they had in times of low benefits.  This is the reason why many or most of them will not escape the poverty cycle-- they are unwilling to persevere when the going gets tough.  Unfortunately, most of them will remain on welfare, sell drugs, sell themselves, go to jail, and so on. 
 
So, another part of the epiphany was that beating your children (or spanking them, whatever you want to call it) is not necessarily the way to instill "fear" in them, of yourself, the Lord, or anyone else.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I do believe that there are appropriate times to spank-- I just don't believe in it being the first and only method of discipline.  But I'm also not a mom yet, either.  One day I may eat my words.
 
If there was one thing that the kids in the projects had an unending supply of, it was beatings.  The really bad kind.  Like, "my momma's gonna pound my head into the pavement" kind.  And yet they never seemed afraid of anything.  Especially anyone in a position of authority.
 
This leads me to believe that the fear we are to instill in our children is not based solely on the idea that very bad things will happen to me if I disobey.  I think there is another huge key component, and that is the desire to please.  And the desire to please comes from the relationship you have, first with your parents, then with God.  The problem that the kids in the projects (at least the ones I worked with) had was that they had very very little positive interaction with their parents.  They had very unstable and violent homelives.  There was no certainty or warm haven in the home environment.  They had no feelings of love and security in their relationships with their parents, especially not their fathers.  I believe that a child has to have an experience of feeling esteemed by his/her father in order to build the proper fear of authority.  Knowing that it is possible to please our parents, and enjoying the warm fuzzies when we do, causes us to fear their displeasure. 
 
We shrink from the idea of losing the joy and security of the relationship, as well as the consequences of our bad behavior-- that is the real fear of the Lord. Valuing the relationship with God, maintaining a worshipful, reverential fear of Him, is truly the beginning of knowledge.

My Happy Place

Tonight I am alone.  It is not my alone-ness that inspired the title of this entry, though.  I think that the reason that the alone-ness has not eaten me alive into its large, black, gaping maw is because of the title of this entry.  I have found a happy place.  I have discovered a path of contentment and joy.  I feel that I am living with purpose, led and loved by my God.  I have been doing some good reading over the last couple of months, and have discovered that there is no bittersweet, fatal flaw in the core of my being, separating and isolating me from the rest of humanity. 

I have discovered that it is okay feel icky and gross sometimes, and that those feelings will pass if I let them- it denies my little girl self no honor to let the sadness go. I used to feel that I had to wallow in my misery, and keep it close to my heart in order to give myself a being-ness.  When I was little, sadness was not okay.  Crying was shameful.  I felt that in order to give myself a voice as an adult, I needed to be bitter, cynical, and utterly sad.  I felt I had to spend the rest of my life living a tribute to the "me" that wasn't allowed to "be" when I was growing up.  I felt the need to rehash, and recite the sadness everyday, going over a mental checklist of all the reasons why I was not alright, and why I would never be truly loveable or acceptable.

I have found that to wallow intensifies and extends the misery. It just becomes a cycle.

I have learned things recently that seem to be a given due to common sense and basic Biblical teaching, yet altogether new once learned in the heart.  I have learned to count my blessings every day. Gratitude is a surefire solution to misery. I list all the good things in my life more than once a day sometimes. 

I have learned to respect my husband. I know that seems weird, like "duh....", but it is something to look into if you've never spent anytime pondering it.  I have noticed that my old definition of respect for my husband really wasn't all that respectful, and was downright destructive at times.  Have you ever considered the actual dictionary definition of the word respect? (I highlighted the things that stood out to me)

RESPECT (from dictionary.reference.com)
1. regard, feature, matter. 2. regard, connection. 3. estimation, reverence, homage, honor. Respect, esteem, veneration imply recognition of personal qualities by approbation, deference, and more or less affection. Respect is commonly the result of admiration and approbation, together with deference: to feel respect for a great scholar. Esteem is deference combined with admiration and often with affection: to hold a friend in great esteem. Veneration is an almost religious attitude of deep respect, reverence, and love, such as we feel for persons or things of outstanding superiority, endeared by long association: veneration for one's grandparents, for noble traditions. 7. bias, preference. 9. revere, venerate, consider, admire. 10. heed.

How many examples on TV are there of a wife expressing admiration for who her husband is, as a person?  How many times are TV husbands treated with deference and regard, like a person of "outstanding superiority"?  Not that we need to treat our husband as if he is inherently worth more than us- that is not what it means, at least not to me.  It means superiority as in a precious stone, compared to normal rock.  A big change that has brought me much happiness in my life as of late is making the switch from critique to praise with my wonderful husband David.  I stopped looking for what he was doing wrong, and began looking for what he was doing right.  I made sure that even if I hadn't said so once or twice (or a few times) during the day, that every night before we went to sleep at night I have told him at least one thing that I like about him as a person or about something he did that day.  Such as, "Wonderful husband, I really appreciate your work on the lawn today.  I feel so loved when you work so hard to take care of our home."  Or it could be as simple as "Thanks for bringing me a glass of ice water earlier.  You're a great guy!"  He has really blossomed in light of my admiration, and the fact that I notice and compliment his efforts has brought its own rewards as well.

A book that really helped drive the point home for me was "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. Here.

If you want a good example of living with grace, the most uplifting blog I could reccommend would be Jaynee Lockwood's blog: http://www.lockwoodfamilytomexico.com/

Also, just a generally delightful place to go for practical tips and inspiration (and my first follower, hooray!)

Okay, I know that this has been a really long post, but I wanted to return to my original premise for posting.  I am alone tonight. My sweet husband has gone on a men's retreat this weekend with some of the men from church, and so he is out being inspired and encouraged whilst I twiddle my thumbs at home..... Oh the drama!  Actually, that is not true-- God saw my need, and provided a lovely and truly wonderful opportunity for friendship tonight.  One of the women from church who was also alone for a short period while her husband and sons were out of the house asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner, and I delightedly agreed.  I couldn't have been more blessed by our time together! 

Also, as a last note before I stop my ramblings for tonight, please forgive me if I over-used the words "wonderful", "Inspiring", or any other adjectives.  I get a little carried away! :P