At the Moment

Blackberries in my house disappear almost as fast as if they'd been raptured. And David gets to feel the "left behind" sensation.

Our little Aquanaut is apparently dedicated to the aquatic life, because he has shown no sign of interest in joining us on land. I'm 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I will be SO, so glad when this is over.

And... Still Nothing.

Tomorrow is our due date, and still very little sign that this baby is ready to come out. We had our 40-week appointment today. Things are *sort of* progressing- I'm finally a tiny bit dilated and 90% effaced. I still have the feeling, though, that this little guy is just really comfortable and not quite ready to consider departure.

I've been having some bad acid reflux this evening, and a queasy day. For the last week and a half I've had a voracious appetite, where I felt like I just couldn't get enough to eat and my stomach would growl within 30 minutes of eating something. Today I haven't really felt like eating anything. David took me out after the doctor appointment to walk around the mall and have lunch, and I was sad because nothing sounded appealing. We got two of our very favorite things- fries from Chik-fil-A and a chicken salad croissant from La Madeleine- and I still only managed about 4 bites of each thing. (Plus, hooray for pay-day! It was nice to be able to *afford* for me to not eat our favorite things....)

While we were at La Madeleine, I was sitting at a little table waiting for David to order the food, and an elderly man walked up and wanted to know if he could join me. Weird, and interesting. I said "Sure", so he had a seat. His name is Bruce, and talking to him was a very interesting experience. He talked almost non-stop for about an hour to David and I. He mostly talked about how he was a "psychic" (not in the money-making way, though- just in the quirky way) and about his wife who had passed away a couple years ago. He was saying that he lived not far from the mall in a senior home, and because of the storm last night he had no power in his apartment to cook breakfast. Plus, he hadn't been out of the apartment since Sunday. I was pretty sad for him, and glad that we could give him some company for a while. He kind of reminded me of a slightly crazier version of my own dad- and if my dad was feeling lonely (and I couldn't be there for him) I would hope someone would spend time listening to his stories about picking out dishes with his wife and all.

Going to the mall also reminds me of my mom. It was one of my favorite places to take her in the last couple years of her life, and it seemed to make her day when we would go. She LOVED shopping, and she would usually say something along the lines of "Well thanks for bringing me. This is one of the few times I've gotten to leave the house lately." (Which was totally untrue by the way- I have never known anyone with more plans involving being out of the house as much as possible as my mother....) Northpark Mall in particular was a place I took her a few times- especially when my niece Shayce was a baby and my mom watched her every day. It's a very baby-friendly mall. One time we went and took Shayce to lunch at the mall. Mom wasn't sure what to get Shayce for lunch, so I got her a little bag of garlic bread bites with marinara sauce for dipping from the Italian place in the food court. We sat and nibbled at our own food, but mostly just watched Shayce and her love of "dipping"- she would dip her bread in the sauce, and then just lick the sauce off and repeat. I think Shayce was only a little over a year old then. It was a really fun day together. Both Shayce and Grammy were pretty much guaranteed to have a happy time if we were at the mall.

37 1/2 Weeks

We have 18 days left until our due date! The baby is getting really big- my entire abdomen moves when he kicks or rolls... During the day, especially the more I walk, he drifts down into my abdomen more; however, at night he takes full advantage of the lack of gravity pulling him down to wedge his way up to as close to my collar-bone as he can get! The last couple nights every time I turn over I have to cough- he's putting a lot of pressure on my diaphragm and lungs.

I am so, so happy that I have been able to carry him to full-term. I have been anxious for most of the pregnancy that something bad would happen, and God has covered us in grace. I can't wait to meet our little "aquanaut" (as his daddy likes to call him)!

Making His Presence Known

There's a little bottom and a little pair of feet that are hard at work making sure that I don't forget there's someone living inside of me.... He gets excited when I eat things (especially cold or sweet things), and that's when he starts stretching- his little feet poke out of my side, and his little bottom starts protruding out of the top of my stomach. It's uncomfortable and awesome at the same time.

I am at a stage in pregnancy where I have moments that I think I am about to perish for lack of food... after eating less than an hour before. Plus, my mouth has still been super, super sore. I have had to get by on soft foods today, many of which are not too high in protein, and thus not very satisfying for more than just a little while. I feel like I have been eating constantly today- applesauce, oatmeal, an egg here and there, mashed potatoes, etc. You can almost set a timer by my hunger pangs- they come pretty consistently about 30 minutes from the end of each snack.

The good news is that my doctor is no longer concerned about me losing weight. Today when they weighed me I had gained another 3 pounds (since 2 weeks ago). That puts me at a total loss of -12 pounds since getting pregnant. I really, really hope that I don't gain too much more.

36 Weeks!

Today was our 36-week appointment, and everything is looking great! The baby finally flipped into a head-down position almost 3 weeks ago, and is still there. He hasn't started to drop down yet, so who knows when he will decide to come- I'm hoping for sooner rather than later.

His timing on flipping around was pretty interesting. We ended up going for a consultation with the OB that I mentioned a couple months ago, who routinely delivers breech babies naturally. We weren't quite 34 weeks along at the time. He basically just answered our questions about it all, and said he would be happy to help us if we got to 38 weeks and the baby still hadn't flipped. That evening, we had one of our Bradley classes, and during the class we played around with different essential oils. I was especially drawn to the scent of Jasmine, and was sniffing it all evening. On the way home, I started having a bunch of Braxton-Hicks contractions, and they were somewhat uncomfortable. When we got home, I laid on the inversion table for about 30 minutes, and when I got off of it, I noticed that my stomach felt different, and I couldn't feel or find the baby's head anymore! I read later that jasmine aromatherapy actually stimulates the muscles of the uterus, and I think it made the Braxton-Hicks contractions stronger and helped the baby to finally turn around. Two days later we had our regular appointment with our current OB, and he confirmed that the baby had flipped, and was in a great position!

It has been such a relief to my poor, stress-addled brain for the baby to now be head-down. It's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and I can finally relax and enjoy my pregnancy again. Now it's just a countdown until he comes- yesterday was exactly one month until our due date.

Cravings

Lately I have been craving personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut and fried eggs. You almost can't beat a good fried egg- I daydream about them.

However, I had an orthodontist appointment yesterday, and as a result, my teeth are so sore and sensitive today that they have declared an official strike. No pizzas for me at the moment :(

35 1/2 Weeks

This Friday I will be 36 weeks pregnant. Full term. I definitely feel that is an accomplishment!

I'm not so huge that I'm miserable yet. I definitely have moments where I feel full to the brim of baby. I have carried the baby somewhat "small" throughout the pregnancy. People are almost always surprised when I tell them how far along I am- which is nice. Overall, I have lost 18-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I was up to -25 pounds a few weeks ago, but I gained a few back.

This past weekend we went on a "baby-moon". We took a roadtrip up to Missouri, and went to a marriage/family retreat and then visited friends in Kansas City. The travel time on each leg of the trip was extended quite a bit by me begging for a potty about every 30 minutes- and we were lucky and blessed that each time I really needed to stop there was a place to do so!

The retreat we went to was a Family Camp for Above Rubies- a wonderful pro-family, pro-life, Christian organization (www.aboverubies.org). I have been getting their magazine for about 3 or 4 years now, and I love it. I have met so many neat people and wonderful friends through their family camps and women's retreats, and I love getting a chance to hear Mr. and Mrs. Campbell speak.  The retreat this weekend was such a breath of fresh air for David and me. It felt like while we were there we could just forget about the stresses and just be together, and be encouraged.

And, of course, our time in KC was wonderful. It didn't last nearly long enough! We got to see some dear friends and have some great barbecue. The family we stayed with while we were there are particularly special to us. They have a little daughter with a genetic disorder, and their testimony and faith through parenting her, plus their church's wonderful website, articles, and statement of faith, are what brought me to a true, saving faith in Christ. They were also very significant in David's journey as well. Studying together after encountering such a different view of God and the gospel changed our marriage as well. We love to take advantage of every opportunity we get to visit them!

Now that we're back home, we are burrowing in for the last stretch of pregnancy and "nesting". I have a long list of things to do before the baby comes, plus a very important nap regimen to resume! I didn't get my nap yesterday- we were traveling all day long, and for whatever reason, laying my seat back in the car would kick off a series of painful Braxton-Hicks contractions after a few minutes. No rest for the weary that day! Instead, we listened to some interesting talks on CD by Doug Phillips (www.visionforum.com), specifically, the series on "Mysteries of the Ancient World". I escpecially loved the talk about the Incas- I found it very relevant to our current culture. But I am very glad to be home now, where I can just lay down and go to sleep without worrying about impending pain and doom, lol. One of my big things to get done now is to organize the baby's things and get his clothes and blankets washed. I have a ways to go in getting things set up like I want them! Plus it will soon be time to pack our hospital bag....

Happy Anniversary

to my parents! I've been thinking about my Mom a lot lately. Time has not made things much easier.

An Update

In one sense, a lot has been going on. In another sense, nothing has been going on.

Some moments I feel like I want to cherish these last few weeks before our baby comes bustling into our world and changes our family dynamic forever. The very next moment I wish I could just blink and it all be over NOW, and be able to finally just look back on this time period with a sigh of relief that we made it, and it's all okay.

Baby is still (as far as I can tell) hanging out in breech position. We were 31 weeks along yesterday. Many people have told me that some babies stay breech until the last possible minute, then turn within a week/day/hour/minute of delivery. I am hoping that for my peace of mind this isn't one of those babies. I hope he decides to go ahead and turn sooner rather than later. I have been really stressed about it all. Baby has been so far unimpressed with all methods of persuading him to turn. He has his own mind and timetable, thank you very much!

One of the nice things lately, though, is all the support and encouragement I have received from friends. Two of my wonderful friends have been over to visit in the last week, and I was really blessed and uplifted getting to see them.

I got to go get my first pregnancy massage yesterday, and it was so, SO wonderful. The best part was that our health insurance covered it completely! Our budget has been pretty strained for the last three months or so, so I haven't really indulged in too much pampering. Our house flooded over New Year's while we were out of town, and so we had the whole house repainted, patched, and had new flooring put in. And we got new living room furniture. We spent 44 nights in a hotel. And of course, as is the situation with allllll house projects, things did not go or turn out exactly to my liking. Plus my pregnancy hormones and emotions were in complete overdrive. I feel like crying and destroying a pillow over the littlest things. We still have to settle out the final payment with the painting contractor, and I seriously hope that I do not have to see his face. I spent an entire afternoon crying over our new couches- they don't look like the same shade inside our house as they did in the store. It's tragic. (at least it was to me, in the moment.)

All that to say that we are tight on money, and I am very glad to have good insurance so I can still get an occasional pregnancy massage- something that is a definite benefit and blessing, that I am not entitled to at all. So many women go through pregnancy with so much harder circumstances!

We have another doctor appointment with our current OB this coming Thursday (the 21st). We are going to wait until after this sonogram to go for a consult with another OB- I'm pretty sure we are going to switch doctors, I just wanted to get the sono first and see how/what the baby is doing. I'm also hoping to get a 3d face shot of the baby :)   At this point I am feeling like I need to find an OB who is willing to attempt a breech delivery naturally just in case the baby doesn't decide to turn. (But I definitely want to have an OB as opposed to a midwife just in case for whatever reason I *need* a C-section).

It's Been A While

I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. Friday will be 29. And I swear, this little guy moves CONSTANTLY. He is almost never still. Unless, of course, David puts his hand on my stomach to feel him. Then he is perfectly still.

Things have been going so-so. I had my 28-week appointment, with an ultrasound, last Thursday. They told me the baby is breech, and the doctor made a joke about how if he doesn't turn we will be using the Scalpel method instead of the Bradley method. I was fine until about a day later, and then I FREAKED. Of course, all the while assuring all my facebook friends that I was just fine and not worried at all. On Sunday night I stressed myself out about it so much that I had a contraction. And it was so PAINFUL.

So, I've been working on relaxing more. Also, I've been trying to prepare myself for how this might turn out if he doesn't turn and get in a good, head-down position. Today I contacted a chiropractor who is trained in the Webster technique, which is supposed to help align things and make it easier for baby to get in the correct position. Hopefully they will call me tomorrow and I can make an appointment. Also, I talked to a wonderful lady today about being my doula. She is going to come to my house to interview with us a week from tomorrow. She reassured me that the baby has plenty of time still, and if he doesn't flip then she knows a good doctor who is willing to deliver breech babies. I really hope this baby decides to cooperate, because this back-up plan doctor is about an hour away. But trust me, I WILL be driving an hour if it means I could avoid a C-section.

David's parents came to visit for the ultrasound last Thursday. We had a great time, and I was super glad that they came. While they were here we introduced them to Greek food. We went to a Mediterrranean buffet for lunch on Thursday, and then that night I cooked chicken gyros at home. I was in the midst of a serious, serious craving for gyros. I'm over it now, but it was delicious while it lasted.

Week 13 Update

I saw someone on another blog do this, and I thought it would be fun to copy-cat!

At 12 weeks, 3 days

 

How far along?  13 Weeks, 4 days

 

Total weight gain/measurements: -16 pounds (according to last doctor visit)

Maternity clothes:  Haven't bought any yet. All of my clothes still fit pretty well. Some have even gotten looser.

Sleep: Like a rock, until about 9:30 or so in the morning. Then I am awake for the day, no matter how late I went to bed the night before or how tired I still feel.

Best moment this week: Being goofy with the hubs last night. :)

Miss anything? Being able to eat. My ability to eat more than four bites without feeling nauseous is starting to come back, but only occasionally.

Movement: Yes! Lots of movement, but I can't feel it yet. Hopefully in another 3 weeks or so I will finally be able to!

Food cravings: This week it has been chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes, gravy, and macaroni and cheese. A couple weeks ago it was biscuits and gravy. Very early on it was crunchy tacos from Taco Bell.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nothing really seems to "make" me feel queasy, it's more of a perpetual state at this point. Although, I'm sure David will testify that he has heard the phrases, "That sounds GROSS!" and "WHY did you tell me that?!?" more often now than ever before. Ever.

Gender:  7 weeks til we find out!

Labour signs: Not yet.

Symptoms: Nope

 

Wedding rings on or off? Both on. They've gotten looser and will fall off if I shake my hand around.

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody. Definitely MOODY.

 

Looking forward to: Reaching a point where I feel good again most of the time. So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Also, I am really looking forward to finding out the gender. I need to shop!

You Give and Take Away

The song on my mind this morning:
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed the name.
Blessed be His glorious name.
Every blessing you pour out I turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
Still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be your name."

It's been almost a week since my mother passed away. I am finally able to compose some semblance of coherent thought about it today. I can't believe it. I still have it running through my mind, "Just don't think about, just don't think about it. If I don't think about it, it didn't happen...."

However, over the course of the week I have had little glimpses from the Spirit of blessings that God sprinkled out on us during our last little bit of time with her. I took her with me to my 10-week sonogram. She was so, so excited, and said at the time that this was major to her-- it was the first time for her to get to see a sonogram in person. She never had one herself, so had never been in the room and seen it/ experienced it being done. She was also so thrilled about having another little grandbaby! She told almost everyone we came across. And during the sonogram, the baby put on quite a show for his/her Grammy! He jumped around and kicked his little legs quite a bit, and sucked on his thumb the whole time. Mom thought that was really cute.

Another big blessing of that day was that we accidentally showed up 2 hours early. We had planned that day to take her out to lunch with us, and then go to the hospital and be on time. Mom was never on time, so we planned on giving ourselves a full 2 hours to eat lunch and then get to the appointment. The original appointment time was at 3pm. So, in our plans that turned into "Pick Mom up at 1pm". Then the day before, when we were talking about it, we forgot that we had already scheduled extra time into our plans, so we thought, "The appointment is at 1, we'll pick her up at 11am".

Well, regardless of the way the snafoo came about, it was a major blessing. We took Mom to eat at Cafe Max- she had never been there before, and she LOVED it. She also loved getting to try new things, which made it doubly good. We got to the doctor at 1, and discovered our error, but it wasn't a problem because she got to go shopping at the 2 boutiques on the first level of the hospital. And, one of them had a SALE! She had a great time, and bought a couple of family members some Christmas gifts.

I'm not sure that I'm ready to really discuss everything that has been happening lately, but I take great comfort in knowing how much she enjoyed her last weeks on this earth. She spent a lot of time with her "little Kylie" (my brother's 4-year-old), and made a fantastic costume for my 7-year-old neice Shayce. She spent time with my dad, and they came over to my house together several times recently. I've been having some struggles with being pregnant, and she was always wanting to bring something by that she thought might sound good to me, or something she had found on sale for the baby. I had to have an at-home fluid IV two weeks ago, and she and Dad came over and stayed with me during the day while David was at work, just in case someone came to the door or I needed something that would be awkward for me to get myself while dealing with an IV pole. They brought whoppers from Burger King for lunch, and jalapeno poppers from Weinerschnitzel- healthy eating wasn't really on the agenda, I guess (lol). She also brought me grapes several times in the last month- I've been craving them. She enjoyed being able to take care of me, and loved shopping, so it seemed like my pregnancy cravings were one of her favorite reasons to do both :). She was also starting to plan and think about my oldest sister's birthday party. She loved to plan parties. This year, her idea was to have a surprise party at my sister's house- she was like, "I'll just tell Neal, and we can all just show up at her house that night! She'll be really surprised!" I told her at the time that I wasn't sure that all of us showing up unannounced to make a mess and then leave would be what my sister wanted on her birthday, but my opinion did not deter her in the slightest- she just decided to plan it with one of my other siblings instead of me... Lol.

News

We're Pregnant Again!

 

Happenings

I can't come up with a better post title...

Nothing much has been going on for me lately. I have been basking in the enjoyment of having quiet days at home and reading. I have also been delighting in Netflix and a couple current shows that I follow online. My current favorite is "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo". I can't help myself...

At the first glance, that family seems like a capsulized version of everything wrong with America today. However, it sucks you in. The best part of it is definitely Mama- her version of self-awareness coupled with her complete lack of shame make for great TV. It feels okay to laugh at the things she does and says (at least the ones that are funny...) because she is obviously in on the joke. The producers want us to think she's just a run-of-the-mill hilljack, but she is one smart cookie in my opinion. Lady can hustle.

We have another class to take at the adoption agency tomorrow. It's been a year since we took the course on behavior modification, so we are taking it again. I really, really hope we can get all the i's and t's dotted and crossed soon. I'm having a moment where all I want is to hold a baby. Preferably my own.

It's one week until my precious niece gets married! I am so excited for her, and I think the lucky guy is awesome. He seems like a very fun, kind, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy. They are perfect for each other.

Not long ago I got together with my sisters, my older nieces, and a friend for a body-wrap party. I had a great time, but the best part was spending time with family. I was amazed upon reflection at just how full of love my heart felt for them. I was all warm and squishy inside. Going home later that evening was hard- I just wanted to stay cuddled up with them, talking and soaking in their presence all night. It will be really hard when my niece moves away after she's married. I will miss her.

Contentment?

David and I were talking late into the night a couple of nights ago. Sometimes it's like you can be near to one another and yet so far, and then suddenly look over and think, "oh yeah, it's you! I like you!" And then you talk and talk and talk, like slaking a thirst after wandering the desert. I love talking to him.

Anyway, we were talking about life, and children. We heard from our adoption agency caseworker last Friday with a couple of last-minute questions. She is working on gathering our file. We contacted her about three days or so after losing the baby, and let her know that we wanted to take our file off the shelf and get back into it. It was a month of blowing hot and cold with us for her. We got into contact with her in early June to let her know we wanted to go ahead and finish the licensing process. Then we were sucked into a whirlwind of activity, getting the house ready, getting inspections done, and then doing the homestudy. Five days after doing the homestudy, we found out we were pregnant. I called her the next day and told her our news, and let her know that we wanted to hold off on adopting until the baby was born and settled in. Then, two weeks later, we found out we lost the baby. Three days after that we contacted the caseworker and let her know what happened, and that we wanted back in.

At the time we contacted her to get going again, I wasn't sure I was ready to think about other children yet, as I was still mourning the death of my Tristan. Thankfully I was seeing a counselor who encouraged me to go ahead and prepare to go forward with the adoption, encouraging me that my feelings would change. She knows me well, and knows just how long David and I have wanted a family. At about 9 days out from learning I would miscarry, I was ready to start thinking about adopting and/or getting pregnant again. I am glad that we contacted our caseworker when we did because we were moved to the end of her docket, and it has taken her 3 weeks or so to get back to us. And I am definitely ready now to proceed.

So, back to my original comment- David and I were talking about life. He said that he liked our life right now. Not so much that he wants it to stay this way forever- he definitely wants all the hubbub and chaos a baby will bring, on top of the love, cuddles and cuteness. But, he said he was enjoying it for right now. He feels contentment. I feel more like I'm waiting. There's not really anything left for us to do in reaching our goals at the moment. Pregnancy and adoption are all in the hands of others at the moment. Pregnancy is in the hands of God, and adoption is too, but its also more immediately in the hands of the system and our agency. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before we can start reviewing cases and applying in specific cases to adopt.

Rutabagas

When I was little, my dad and slightly older sister used to play a game. One would start:
"You're driving me nuts!"
Then the other would respond, "You're driving me ________________ (name of vegetable/fruit/legume/etc)!"
And it could go on a loooooong tiiiiime. "You're driving me coconuts!" "You're driving me turnips!" "You're driving me cashews!"

The penultimate response, though, which my dad always graciously left to my sister, was "You're driving me RUTABAGAS!"

My dad thought it was hilarious. C was only two or so the first time she responded with this, and it was their special game forever after. Or at least it was for a while, then graduated into the category of "cute family baby story that gets told over and over ad nauseum". But my dad never stopped finding it funny.

I have never tried a rutabaga before. I always assumed they were mythical vegetables that were the quintessential "for display only" items in the supermarket whenever anyone did find some. It never occurred to me that anyone would actually consider eating them, much less enjoy doing so.

My views have changed.

I bought a nice, big, beautiful rutabaga for the first time on Wednesday.  I have been stalking rutabaga recipes on pinterest for the last week, determined to try making them in something, and even more determined to actually like them when I did so.

My first, ill-fated attempt on Wednesday was to put them in a (very expensive) lamb roast. In the crockpot. I assumed it would smell and taste delicious. I have always liked lamb very much when I have ordered it in restaurants, as well as the handful of times that my wonderful hubs has grilled it here at home. I have found that there is a way to prepare it that I do not like. And that is to roast it in a crockpot. So that the whole house will be permeated with the stink of boiling lamb. I did my best to just eat it anyway, but it was just too much. It made me feel like gagging. And don't even ask about the rutabaga in there with it. I think it might not have been as disgusting if I hadn't absolutely decked it out ornament-on-a-Christmas-tree style in fresh rosemary. The rosemary in double portion does not equal double good.

So, I burned several candles, strained the broth out, set the vegetables aside for David to eat later (he thought they were okay, and more power to him), and then rinsed the stewed lamb of all the last vestiges of its rosemary decorations and put it in the fridge to try and revamp later. Last night I resurrected it in the form of a Persian stew over rice with turmeric, garlic, and curry, and it wasn't too bad. All the crockpot action, though, had me craving a real roast, and my determination over the rutabagas was begging me to try them again in a recipe that I already knew we loved.

So, tonight I tried again. We dug a beef roast out of the freezer from our store of beef from David's PawPaw. PawPaw is a real gem- every year he buys three or four calves, turns them out to pasture for a year, and then butchers them and divides the meat amongst his children and grandchildren. So, each year we get about 50-60 pounds of beautiful, organic, delicious beef cuts (ground meat, sirloin steaks, ribeye steaks, roasts, etc.)

After it defrosted overnight last night I dressed it up with some beef boullion, garlic, and salt and stuck it in the crockpot this morning. After taking David to work, I went by the store and bought about 4 pounds of baby carrots and two medium rutabagas. I was tempted by the leeks, but they did me wrong in the lamb roast two days prior, and I haven't forgiven them yet. Anyway, I brought home my root vegetables, cut them up, and added them to the pot.

After about 7 hours in the pot, it was finally time to give them a second go for a taste test. And they were DELICIOUS! I was impressed at how succulent they were, and how well they absorbed the flavor of the roast. They have a texture very similar to a potato, but don't have the same amount of starch and carbs as potatoes. I think I am hooked. Oh, and David loved them too.

New Computer!

I'm typing my first post on my awesome new PINK computer. And yes I customized all color settings on the background and windows to be color-coordinated. It is SO AWESOME.

And now I'm a little depressed because my awesome new computer is here, just as I'm at a good part in a good, old-fashioned fantasy novel- and all I want to do is read. Instead of playing with my NEW PINK COMPUTER. I also have a new pink wireless mouse, a new pink laptop bag/briefcase, and will soon be getting a new white laptop stand via UPS. It's all color-coordinated.

The trials of the wealthy....

I think I am a little bit spoiled. At least David can now gleefully remove all traces of my meddling on his computer. He took delight in telling it to forget my passwords on our shared sites, like facebook. Because it is now, once again, only his. And I am never to touch it again. Lol. At least I have my Pinky. And yes, my computer's name is only in response to him naming his computer "Bluey". I have never named my computer before. And I giggle a little bit sometimes about the name of his. Mostly because he named it in reference to it's color, but in my mind it sounds like a prediction: one day it will go "ka-BLOOEY".

But, mine's name is Pinky. Bringing to mind one of the best tv quotes ever: "So what are we doing tonight, Brain? The same thing we do every night, Pinky. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

Sleepless

Yesterday was our seventh anniversary! David let me order myself a fab present- the coveted pink laptop. I guess he finally got tired of me poaching his... I was so excited about it last night that I couldn't sleep. It is supposed to get here tomorrow! I literally couldn't. sleep. At about 4:30 in the morning, as I was laying in the dark, vacillating back and forth between pestering David and tossing and turning, I decided to just throw in the towel and read a book. At 5:15, it occurred to me that if I put a loaf of bread in the breadmaker, it would be done just in time for David's breakfast. And homemade bread is one of his favorites, plus it was weighing on my conscience that I hadn't done anything else for him to celebrate our anniversary. And when I asked him what I could do for him special for our anniversary earlier as we were initially going to bed, his response of "Wash me some underwear..." just didn't seem a big enough gesture. So, a surprise loaf of homemade bread it was. (And yes, I also threw in a load of underwear this evening.)

The light from my reading lamp confused David when he stirred a little at 6:15, so even though I still wasn't sleepy I turned it off so he would go back to his dreaming. After rubbing his head like a worry-stone for thirty minutes or so, I finally fell asleep too. And then jumped out of bed when the alarm went off at 8:30 to check on the bread and finish cooking breakfast. It was delicious, and I even cut him a couple slices and made a pb+j sandwich for lunch at work.

As far as everything else goes, things have pretty much returned to normal around here. It's still a little jarring seeing people that I haven't seen since before losing the baby. A lady at church approached David this last Sunday, saying she knew how embarrassing it is to be around people after announcing an "imaginary pregnancy", and she hoped I felt better soon. I'm not embarrassed, because my baby wasn't imaginary. But it's comments like that that make me feel like continuing to hide and keep my head buried at home.

So, things are progressing. And each day I feel better and things feel more normal. And my hubs is always wonderful.

Tristan

Did I wish him gone?

The night that I found out I was pregnant was a little bit dream-like. I felt like it was completely unreal, like I was moving through a mist. I was so happy, yet shocked.

That night, as I was falling asleep, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I felt panicked. It dawned on me that living, moving, growing within was a small body of a small person- a being completely other from myself. He did not have the same thoughts about the world as me. He did not have the same feelings about life as me. The sensation of his toes in the water around him was different than my sensation of having my feet in water. He was my child, and yet he was Other. His experience and perception were completely out of my control. And his ultimate destination, with all the pitfalls, losses, and mistakes in between, were out of my hands.

I felt completely exposed. And I had no way to cover my exposure. My child was and is completely and forevermore in the hands of God. While he was on Earth, I had to accept that the gossamer wisp of his soul, his essence, and the turning of his heart, were not my domain.

I was so, so scared that one day I would look at him and my heart would be broken. That he would decide to doggedly pursue a path not to my liking. That he would cast his fate into the hands of evil men, and turn away from me. Or not even do anything bad, but just close himself off from me- keep me at arms length.

I had a moment where I was scared to death of the worst, and I wished I hadn't even started down this road at all. I wished that I had just been content to live my life with just me, my husband, and my pets.

A dozen days later, I was in more pain than I have ever been in my entire life. I described it before. I felt like my gut was going to explode from the pressure and cramping. I thought that I would feel that way for many more months to come. And I had a moment where I didn't blame others for wanting an abortion. I was horrified with myself at that moment, the hours following, and even now. For a moment's time, I just wanted it to end, and I didn't care what happened to the baby at the center of the storm. This still haunts me. It was another moment that I wished him gone.

The next morning, when I got the call from the doctor, that the baby wasn't going to make it, I felt relief. My third strike. Then, instead of hearing the lesser cry of an animal, I heard the heart of my husband break. And I wept.

I was given a precious, priceless gift- and I was a swine with pearls of great price.

Mommy is sorry, Tristan. I hope you know how much I really wanted you, and will forgive me for my moments of weakness.

Happenings

Today I got a call from the doctor's office. Again. I'm starting to think they've programmed my number on speed dial.

I had a D&C on Tuesday, and everything went well. They were going to look at what they took out and see if they saw any evidence of a placenta, which would rule out an ectopic pregnancy. They called this morning to tell me that there was no placental material found, and they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound to check for an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, they didn't find anything. It's like my baby vanished into thin air. Everything looked nice and normal, though, on the ultrasound, so that was good news.

The D&C wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone was super nice and accommodating. I remember once they gave me the drugs to put me out and they started creeping into my system I became determined to give a heartfelt thanks to everyone taking care of me. The last thing I remember thinking as I fell asleep was regret that there was a nurse that appeared in my line of vision who I didn't thank. Hey, at least I didn't slur out a speech about undying love... at least I hope I didn't.

When I woke up, I recovered pretty quickly, and felt okay. I didn't get super-nauseous or anything, only a little. The meds they shot into my IV took care of it really quick, too. I had a super awesome, very restful nap during the procedure, and I was so thankful for it when I woke up.

Since coming home, I have had plenty of Vicodin, and plenty of naps. I was really only in significant pain that first night.  I had a few cramps that night, and some sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen. I talked to my doctor that night, and he told me to just take an extra vicodin. Since then, I haven't felt too bad.