Friday, July 27, 2012


Did I wish him gone?

The night that I found out I was pregnant was a little bit dream-like. I felt like it was completely unreal, like I was moving through a mist. I was so happy, yet shocked.

That night, as I was falling asleep, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I felt panicked. It dawned on me that living, moving, growing within was a small body of a small person- a being completely other from myself. He did not have the same thoughts about the world as me. He did not have the same feelings about life as me. The sensation of his toes in the water around him was different than my sensation of having my feet in water. He was my child, and yet he was Other. His experience and perception were completely out of my control. And his ultimate destination, with all the pitfalls, losses, and mistakes in between, were out of my hands.

I felt completely exposed. And I had no way to cover my exposure. My child was and is completely and forevermore in the hands of God. While he was on Earth, I had to accept that the gossamer wisp of his soul, his essence, and the turning of his heart, were not my domain.

I was so, so scared that one day I would look at him and my heart would be broken. That he would decide to doggedly pursue a path not to my liking. That he would cast his fate into the hands of evil men, and turn away from me. Or not even do anything bad, but just close himself off from me- keep me at arms length.

I had a moment where I was scared to death of the worst, and I wished I hadn't even started down this road at all. I wished that I had just been content to live my life with just me, my husband, and my pets.

A dozen days later, I was in more pain than I have ever been in my entire life. I described it before. I felt like my gut was going to explode from the pressure and cramping. I thought that I would feel that way for many more months to come. And I had a moment where I didn't blame others for wanting an abortion. I was horrified with myself at that moment, the hours following, and even now. For a moment's time, I just wanted it to end, and I didn't care what happened to the baby at the center of the storm. This still haunts me. It was another moment that I wished him gone.

The next morning, when I got the call from the doctor, that the baby wasn't going to make it, I felt relief. My third strike. Then, instead of hearing the lesser cry of an animal, I heard the heart of my husband break. And I wept.

I was given a precious, priceless gift- and I was a swine with pearls of great price.

Mommy is sorry, Tristan. I hope you know how much I really wanted you, and will forgive me for my moments of weakness.

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