Thursday, February 08, 2007

History Class Contraband

Okay, I almost had a heart attack today. I haven't been in trouble in class since I was a junior in high school and the teacher caught me slack-jawed, eyes shut, sitting-straight-up snoozing with drool about to roll out the side of my mouth and a snore gathering intensity at the back of my throat whilst the rest of my oh-so-happy classmates were dredging their way through some play by some Latin sounding playwrite. I was the source of a screaming tirade about how I looked like I was in pain, how teenagers don't sleep enough at night, and eventually how all teenage girls dress like prostitutes- the favorite topic of tirades from the wonderful Mrs. Stone.

Anyway, I got in trouble today. Today was test day in my History class, and when I walked in, my usually laid-back teacher was glaring like a snapping turtle, and the students carried an air of gloom like war hostages. I came in the room and my teacher snarled "Bookbags at the front, nothing on your desk, speak to no one, and if I better not Hear ANy CELLPHONES!!! That Is RUDE!!!" Ya, mein dictator.

So, when I got to my desk, I turned my cell phone off. I didn't think anyone would call me, but I wanted to be on the safe side (In case Trinket grew tired of meerly pounding the door with her paws, moaning and crying like the demon-possessed, and pounding her head against the door, and decided to try calling my cell phone to get me to let her out. I'm not crazy- stranger things have happened. I saw a cat on America's Funniest Home Videos say "Oh Long Johnson!") So, anyway, my cell phone likes to sing to me when I turn it off. I tried to cover the sound. Wasn't successful. Once the song ended, as I was swallowing my tongue in fear, my teacher lit up with rage, and began the search like a bloodhound on a scent- "Who's CEll PHONE was that?! Who?!?" I exclaimed in a panicked agony "No- I was turning it off!!" "(In the wicked witch of the west shriek) What's Your Name?!" "Cristy Brown.... I turned it off.... You said to turn them off! (Quaking with fear)" She began to mutter something and went back to her desk. Strike two against me. I believe I am now the face of evil to her- I was 3 minutes late, AND I had a CELL PHONE!!!! I tried not to hyperventilate when I noticed that all of the studying I had done yesterday and today had been terrorized out of my mind. I tried not to hyperventilate. Don't faint don't faint don't faint... because if you do this is one teacher who definitely wouldn't revive you....

I think I did okay on the test. I am guessing I made somewhere between a 70 and 80. This all seems like a surreal nightmare. I feel like David is about to shake me awake for the fourth time and then I will squintingly stumble down the hall, use the restroom, and get dressed. Oh for the squinting stumble!!

Actually, I am feeling pretty chipper right now. I have calmed down significantly now that I'm not under the baleful glare of my History teacher. I wonder if she still chats conversationally about what a weasel JP Morgan was when she's drunk....

3 comments:

Lita said...

Is she usually like that?

Cris said...

Normally she's only slightly cross. Yesterday it seemed like she was possessed by some ungodly spirit that hated cell phones like vampires hate garlic.

Lita said...

I know several people like that. ;) Well...who hate cell phones like vampires hate garlic; they're not necessarily ungodly or spirits.

This teacher at school wrote a humor column against cell phones that totally cracked me up. I'll have to see if I can send you a copy.