Did I wish him gone?
The night that I found out I was pregnant was a little bit dream-like. I felt like it was completely unreal, like I was moving through a mist. I was so happy, yet shocked.
That night, as I was falling asleep, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I felt panicked. It dawned on me that living, moving, growing within was a small body of a small person- a being completely other from myself. He did not have the same thoughts about the world as me. He did not have the same feelings about life as me. The sensation of his toes in the water around him was different than my sensation of having my feet in water. He was my child, and yet he was Other. His experience and perception were completely out of my control. And his ultimate destination, with all the pitfalls, losses, and mistakes in between, were out of my hands.
I felt completely exposed. And I had no way to cover my exposure. My child was and is completely and forevermore in the hands of God. While he was on Earth, I had to accept that the gossamer wisp of his soul, his essence, and the turning of his heart, were not my domain.
I was so, so scared that one day I would look at him and my heart would be broken. That he would decide to doggedly pursue a path not to my liking. That he would cast his fate into the hands of evil men, and turn away from me. Or not even do anything bad, but just close himself off from me- keep me at arms length.
I had a moment where I was scared to death of the worst, and I wished I hadn't even started down this road at all. I wished that I had just been content to live my life with just me, my husband, and my pets.
A dozen days later, I was in more pain than I have ever been in my entire life. I described it before. I felt like my gut was going to explode from the pressure and cramping. I thought that I would feel that way for many more months to come. And I had a moment where I didn't blame others for wanting an abortion. I was horrified with myself at that moment, the hours following, and even now. For a moment's time, I just wanted it to end, and I didn't care what happened to the baby at the center of the storm. This still haunts me. It was another moment that I wished him gone.
The next morning, when I got the call from the doctor, that the baby wasn't going to make it, I felt relief. My third strike. Then, instead of hearing the lesser cry of an animal, I heard the heart of my husband break. And I wept.
I was given a precious, priceless gift- and I was a swine with pearls of great price.
Mommy is sorry, Tristan. I hope you know how much I really wanted you, and will forgive me for my moments of weakness.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Happenings
Today I got a call from the doctor's office. Again. I'm starting to think they've programmed my number on speed dial.
I had a D&C on Tuesday, and everything went well. They were going to look at what they took out and see if they saw any evidence of a placenta, which would rule out an ectopic pregnancy. They called this morning to tell me that there was no placental material found, and they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound to check for an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, they didn't find anything. It's like my baby vanished into thin air. Everything looked nice and normal, though, on the ultrasound, so that was good news.
The D&C wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone was super nice and accommodating. I remember once they gave me the drugs to put me out and they started creeping into my system I became determined to give a heartfelt thanks to everyone taking care of me. The last thing I remember thinking as I fell asleep was regret that there was a nurse that appeared in my line of vision who I didn't thank. Hey, at least I didn't slur out a speech about undying love... at least I hope I didn't.
When I woke up, I recovered pretty quickly, and felt okay. I didn't get super-nauseous or anything, only a little. The meds they shot into my IV took care of it really quick, too. I had a super awesome, very restful nap during the procedure, and I was so thankful for it when I woke up.
Since coming home, I have had plenty of Vicodin, and plenty of naps. I was really only in significant pain that first night. I had a few cramps that night, and some sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen. I talked to my doctor that night, and he told me to just take an extra vicodin. Since then, I haven't felt too bad.
I had a D&C on Tuesday, and everything went well. They were going to look at what they took out and see if they saw any evidence of a placenta, which would rule out an ectopic pregnancy. They called this morning to tell me that there was no placental material found, and they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound to check for an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, they didn't find anything. It's like my baby vanished into thin air. Everything looked nice and normal, though, on the ultrasound, so that was good news.
The D&C wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone was super nice and accommodating. I remember once they gave me the drugs to put me out and they started creeping into my system I became determined to give a heartfelt thanks to everyone taking care of me. The last thing I remember thinking as I fell asleep was regret that there was a nurse that appeared in my line of vision who I didn't thank. Hey, at least I didn't slur out a speech about undying love... at least I hope I didn't.
When I woke up, I recovered pretty quickly, and felt okay. I didn't get super-nauseous or anything, only a little. The meds they shot into my IV took care of it really quick, too. I had a super awesome, very restful nap during the procedure, and I was so thankful for it when I woke up.
Since coming home, I have had plenty of Vicodin, and plenty of naps. I was really only in significant pain that first night. I had a few cramps that night, and some sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen. I talked to my doctor that night, and he told me to just take an extra vicodin. Since then, I haven't felt too bad.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Ships in the Night
Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other
in passing,
only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and
a voice,
then darkness again and a silence.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I have been thinking a lot about what exactly to say. There is so much I want to say, but only so many words that might possibly express what's in my heart.
My joy has turned to sorrow, and my good news to bitter tidings.
We found out on July 7, 2012 that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, and completely over the moon, and most of all, shocked. I had been pretty certain that I was not pregnant. We have been doing our best to overcome fertility issues the last two years, and this last cycle gave me no reason to think anything special would happen.
Then, I started noticing little things. I was so, so tired all the time. I needed to take a nap each evening. And, I suddenly lost all tolerance for spicy foods. All I wanted to eat was healthy-ish stuff. I got urges to cook things like cabbage, brussel sprouts, peppers and onions, etc. And I couldn't take the smell or taste of cinnamon. These little things added up, and I finally gave in to my curiosity and took a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE! And then I took another, and another, and finally accepted the idea that I was really pregnant!
I took the first test on a Saturday, and went in to see the doctor on Monday. They did another urine test, and got another positive result. We did blood work, and got even more confirmation. We announced our pregnancy at church and in our church small groups, and did a whole lot of celebrating.
We went down to visit David's parents to tell them the news. They were so, so excited that David's dad went to the store early the next morning and bought gifts for the baby. The started referring to themselves as Grandpa and Nana. We all went shopping together at a baby boutique in their little town's town square. That morning I had woken up with some light cramping and a little brown spotting, but I read in my pregnancy book that this was most likely normal, so we didn't worry about it. I was having a lot of gas pain and bloating, but I took this as a good sign because they say the sicker you are, the better news it is for the pregnancy.
The following Wednesday, we went for our first sonogram. My mom came with us. This was her seventh grandchild, and the first time she would get to see an ultrasound of a grandchild in person. She was giddy, and so were we. We went in to the little room, I got ready, and then the doctor finally came in. They took a look inside, and got quiet. He told us that he couldn't see anything yet, so come back in a week and maybe we would be able to see something then. He and the nurse went back and forth about how far along I was, and whether there was any possibility that the baby might not be as old as they thought. I felt a little worried, but I figured that it would all be okay. I was still spotting a little, but that was normal, right? The doctor said that in the meantime we could do some more bloodwork. We went down to the lab, I gave some blood, and we were on our way.
That night the gas pain and pressure was terrible. I felt like my abdomen was going to explode. All I could do was lay in bed to get a little relief. I was way more worried and sorry for myself than I was for the baby. I had moments where I saw it as this little devil inside me, blowing up balloons in my gut then tying it in knots so none of the air could get out. Then kicking it. I was hurting pretty bad.
Early the next morning I received a call from one of the nurses at the doctor's office. They said that the results were back on the blood test, and they weren't good. It wasn't a good pregnancy. The baby was not developing, and I was going to miscarry. At first I felt relieved because I was so tired of the pain. Then I felt numb. I told David. He looked shocked and pale. Then he went to take a shower and I heard him sob a couple times. At that point it hit me: I lost my baby. I would never get to hold him, comfort him, feed him, or count his little fingers and toes. I would not be able to remark about how much he looked like his daddy. I would not get to see his wispy blonde hair flutter as I push him on a swing in the park. I would not get to fret over baby gas and midnight feedings. I was carrying him in my body still, but this was all the time I would get with him. God took him from me.
I have been in to see the doctor every business day since then. That first day I cried off and on all day. Each day has gotten a little better since then. Today I went in to see the doctor again, and scheduled a D&C for tomorrow. I thought that I wanted to just let the pregnancy pass naturally, but I was calling to myself a world of pain that I haven't got the ability to handle. The bleeding started last night, and the cramping is terrible. They said that the pain, cramping, and miscarriage process could last up to 6 weeks. I read an account online of a woman who took 6 months to finish expelling everything. I grieve with each cramp, and am dreading seeing any part of the pregnancy come out. So, I gladly accepted an appointment for a D&C when it came up today, and I will be relieved to have it over in one fell swoop. Then I can recover, and maybe eventually we will get another chance.
Each day the pain gets a little less, but I will never forget. I will never forget my precious little one, waiting for me in Heaven. He is with God, and is now like an angel. I know he is praying for me, and enjoying Jesus until I can be there to hold him myself.
His name is Tristan. The name came to me on the way to the hospital on Thursday, as I was contemplating his death. I couldn't share my name suggestion until later that night, because of the eminent threat of hysterics lurking at the edge of my control. I have a fear of beginning to cry when I am feeling sorrow or pain. I have a hidden terror that it will take me over, and I will never be able to stop. That I will die under the weight of it.
After discussing it with David later that day, we decided that Tristan was a wonderful name. His middle name is Honor. Tristan means "sounds of battle; clash of swords". It fits him because as soon as I heard the news I knew he was in Heaven, fighting for God as a mighty warrior- the first of his daddy's arrows against the powers of darkness (Psalm 127). He is my little champion, and it is an honor to carry him.
Now, I hold the pain in my heart, as well as in my body at this point. It is my evidence, and validation. I have a child. He exists. He has a name, and he had a body. I only got to have a small taste of motherhood, but it was real. He is an intimate stranger, my little one. I never got to know his thoughts and feelings about anything, and yet he knew me from the inside out.
I said this to a dear friend earlier, and it's too good not to record here:
Sometimes I see a woman trudging along with an obvious bump, holding her precious cargo, her gift and blessing. I wonder if she knows how blessed she is. I feel my loss, and I wonder if she knows how much people like me would love to trade places with her. How much some of us wish we could have felt the aches and pains of our baby stretching, growing, and moving inside of us. How some of us don't get to be miserable the way she is because God takes our babies and gives us a different pain, a pain that will never, never go away. It may diminish and fade, but it will always be there in some part, to some extent.
My firstborn will not walk with me, because he is already walking with God.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Happenings
I haven't forgotten about my blog- there has just been so much going on lately! And there have been a lot of good things happen for us and others, and I'm not free to share just yet... So wish I could!
Everything is going really well. We harvested our second tomato from our very expensive patio-variety tomato plants yesterday. The first tomato that we might have harvested got eaten by a pesky squirrel. I no longer feel sad when I see a dead one on the side of the road... Okay, maybe I still do a little. But it's kindred shouldn't have eaten my Tomato!
I've still been enjoying my coffee. I love hazelnut creamer! I've switched to half-caf and started drinking more water in an effort to be healthier. I've been doing other things to be healthier also. I saw someone's post on facebook that said conventionally grown strawberries are covered in pesticides so toxic while they're growing, that people aren't allowed in the fields for fear of poisoning. So, I was a little freaked out about that, and now I have committed to only eating organic strawberries. If you've never looked into it, just google "Dirty Dozen produce". I've also been making an effort to only eat organic meat/ animal products, since I don't want to exacerbate my existing hormonal issues with the hormones found in abundance in conventionally raised livestock. This isn't too hard for me, though, because we have a plentiful supply of beef from David's PawPaw, who gives us some of his free-range pasture-fed beef/ steaks each year. Every year PawPaw buys five or so calves and then turns them out into a back pasture. Then, about a year later, he slaughters them and distributes meat amongst all his kids and grandkids. I am very thankful for his generous heart. And the fact that he passed his generous spirit on to his daughter, who taught it to her son, whom I married and enjoy.
Also, I have a little confession... I am addicted to my Amazon.com wishlist. I can waste soooo much time adding things to it and salivating over what I want to buy from it. There are almost 1200 things on my wishlist right now. Yikes! I would say I am greedy, but most of it is books- and can one ever have too many books? I thought not. Also, I don't have much intention of buying for myself the majority of what's on my list. I do enjoy looking at it all though. I know, I'm baaaaaad....
Everything is going really well. We harvested our second tomato from our very expensive patio-variety tomato plants yesterday. The first tomato that we might have harvested got eaten by a pesky squirrel. I no longer feel sad when I see a dead one on the side of the road... Okay, maybe I still do a little. But it's kindred shouldn't have eaten my Tomato!
I've still been enjoying my coffee. I love hazelnut creamer! I've switched to half-caf and started drinking more water in an effort to be healthier. I've been doing other things to be healthier also. I saw someone's post on facebook that said conventionally grown strawberries are covered in pesticides so toxic while they're growing, that people aren't allowed in the fields for fear of poisoning. So, I was a little freaked out about that, and now I have committed to only eating organic strawberries. If you've never looked into it, just google "Dirty Dozen produce". I've also been making an effort to only eat organic meat/ animal products, since I don't want to exacerbate my existing hormonal issues with the hormones found in abundance in conventionally raised livestock. This isn't too hard for me, though, because we have a plentiful supply of beef from David's PawPaw, who gives us some of his free-range pasture-fed beef/ steaks each year. Every year PawPaw buys five or so calves and then turns them out into a back pasture. Then, about a year later, he slaughters them and distributes meat amongst all his kids and grandkids. I am very thankful for his generous heart. And the fact that he passed his generous spirit on to his daughter, who taught it to her son, whom I married and enjoy.
Also, I have a little confession... I am addicted to my Amazon.com wishlist. I can waste soooo much time adding things to it and salivating over what I want to buy from it. There are almost 1200 things on my wishlist right now. Yikes! I would say I am greedy, but most of it is books- and can one ever have too many books? I thought not. Also, I don't have much intention of buying for myself the majority of what's on my list. I do enjoy looking at it all though. I know, I'm baaaaaad....
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Homestudy- CHECK!!
We finally got the homestudy done! This past Monday, our new caseworker came by and stayed for over four hours. Pretty much all of that time was spent in interviews. Of course, my answers took a lot more time than David's. My individual interview took an hour and fifteen minutes, whereas David's only took 35 minutes. It all went pretty smoothly, and she seemed to enjoy her time with us.
Yesterday we had a whole bunch of people over for the 4th. I had a great time, and I was so excited to have so many people from church and my family all together. Of course, it wouldn't be a true party without whipping out the Settlers of Catan. David won. He's the man.
I made so many things from Pinterest. It has become my new hobby/addiction. For the party we made steaks with a marinade from pinterest, macaroni salad (pinterest), rattlesnake bites (pinterest), sugar cookies (pinterest), lemon icebox pie, fruit kabobs (pinterest), apple cinnamon cake (pinterest), and corn casserole (pinterest). We also grilled hot dogs and made lemonade and tea. Then, guests brought lots of yummy stuff as well. We had quite the spread when it was all said and done!
I have been doing a lot of cooking from recipes found on pinterest throughout the week as well. Tonight for dinner we had fried cabbage with bacon and onions and some more rattlesnake bites. The cabbage was so good that we kept eating it with our fingers before it was time to sit and eat....Hey, I won't judge you if you don't judge me....
When I told my sister about the fried cabbage recipe, and about how she NEEDED to try it ASAP, she was like fried?? It's not one of those state fair variety breaded-and-dropped-in-a-vat-of-hot-grease type fried. Its the whole sauteed-in-a-bit-of-bacon-grease-in-a-frying-pan-and-we're-from-the-south-y'all-where-we-don't-use-words-like-saute type of fried. And it is delicious.
Here's the recipe:
http://lowcarblayla.blogspot.com/2012/04/cabbage-fried-with-bacon-and-onions.html
You're welcome.
Yesterday we had a whole bunch of people over for the 4th. I had a great time, and I was so excited to have so many people from church and my family all together. Of course, it wouldn't be a true party without whipping out the Settlers of Catan. David won. He's the man.
I made so many things from Pinterest. It has become my new hobby/addiction. For the party we made steaks with a marinade from pinterest, macaroni salad (pinterest), rattlesnake bites (pinterest), sugar cookies (pinterest), lemon icebox pie, fruit kabobs (pinterest), apple cinnamon cake (pinterest), and corn casserole (pinterest). We also grilled hot dogs and made lemonade and tea. Then, guests brought lots of yummy stuff as well. We had quite the spread when it was all said and done!
I have been doing a lot of cooking from recipes found on pinterest throughout the week as well. Tonight for dinner we had fried cabbage with bacon and onions and some more rattlesnake bites. The cabbage was so good that we kept eating it with our fingers before it was time to sit and eat....Hey, I won't judge you if you don't judge me....
When I told my sister about the fried cabbage recipe, and about how she NEEDED to try it ASAP, she was like fried?? It's not one of those state fair variety breaded-and-dropped-in-a-vat-of-hot-grease type fried. Its the whole sauteed-in-a-bit-of-bacon-grease-in-a-frying-pan-and-we're-from-the-south-y'all-where-we-don't-use-words-like-saute type of fried. And it is delicious.
Here's the recipe:
http://lowcarblayla.blogspot.com/2012/04/cabbage-fried-with-bacon-and-onions.html
You're welcome.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Happenings
Tonight we had a lovefest with the animals. All three were involved and committed to the playing with toys. The cats were so excited that they just about had an aneurysm. They were overloaded with joy at the experience of their life not being boring for 20 minutes.
David made some really delicious lemonade the day before yesterday. He used half the recommended amount of lemonade mix (Countrytime) and then sweetened it up with Sweet n low. Then he added four slices of lemon to soak. And it is sooooo tasty. And pretty. I am addicted. Usually full strength lemonade leaves me feeling a sugar overload, but this stuff is nice, light, and refreshing. And it doesn't leave my lips feeling sticky.
Yesterday we drove all 35 minutes over to our adoption agency. I wanted to meet our new caseworker in person before the homestudy, and we had the last of our paperwork all gathered up to turn in. She was SO nice!! She seemed to really like us, and was way more on the ball and accommodating than the last guy. She is also really good about getting back to us quickly. She went ahead and gave us a tentative time and date for the homestudy! I was impressed because their initial policy line is, "I'll check and see who is available, and after the director looks over your file and approves it we will get back to you." But this awesome lady was just like, "You know what? I have some free time, so I'll just do it. Can I put you down for next Monday?" Can I say again that she is awesome? And she emailed today to let us know that the director is fine with it, and she will see us Monday morning at 10:30. Great!
Before we went to the agency we stopped by the hospital to get my blood drawn for another test. They are looking at my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated this time. There is some doubt in my mind if I did or not, because there was a big mix-up and I didn't end up taking the Ovidrel shot, which would help trigger ovulation. I forgot to call and tell the pharmacist when to fill the prescription, so when we needed it, they hadn't ordered it yet. Doh. So I freaked out a little, and then just decided to stop worrying about it and let God work in this. If He wants me to get pregnant, nothing will stop it. If He doesn't, then nothing will make it happen. I know I will soon be a mommy either by adoption or by biology, and that He delights in creating families, so I feel secure. He has promised to make the barren woman a happy mother of children. And sometimes that is through adoption. Not everyone clings to and claims that promise, but I do. And I think that some women who struggle with fertility problems end up being very fruitful spiritual mothers, even if they don't get to raise as many (or any) children in their home as they would have liked.
Last weekend we went up to IKEA and finally bought a crib and changing table. We wanted to have it all set up and put together for the safety inspection. I am super pumped about it. The nursery is pretty much in order now, except I still want to get a rocking chair for the nursery and a bassinet for our bedroom. Also, I need to get two changing pads- one for upstairs and one for downstairs. And there's a whole list of other stuff I need to get, but I'm sure that someone will want to throw a shower and I can register for some of this stuff.
So, I find out tomorrow morning if I ovulated or not. I am anxious to hear. And I have 5 days left til the homestudy. This is the big one, folks. The one we have been nervous about since we first started the process. The one where the agency decides if we are sane and stable enough to take in a baby, and if they like us enough to help us do so. I don't know of any reason they wouldn't decide in our favor on both of those topics, but I am nervous about being judged all the same.
David made some really delicious lemonade the day before yesterday. He used half the recommended amount of lemonade mix (Countrytime) and then sweetened it up with Sweet n low. Then he added four slices of lemon to soak. And it is sooooo tasty. And pretty. I am addicted. Usually full strength lemonade leaves me feeling a sugar overload, but this stuff is nice, light, and refreshing. And it doesn't leave my lips feeling sticky.
Yesterday we drove all 35 minutes over to our adoption agency. I wanted to meet our new caseworker in person before the homestudy, and we had the last of our paperwork all gathered up to turn in. She was SO nice!! She seemed to really like us, and was way more on the ball and accommodating than the last guy. She is also really good about getting back to us quickly. She went ahead and gave us a tentative time and date for the homestudy! I was impressed because their initial policy line is, "I'll check and see who is available, and after the director looks over your file and approves it we will get back to you." But this awesome lady was just like, "You know what? I have some free time, so I'll just do it. Can I put you down for next Monday?" Can I say again that she is awesome? And she emailed today to let us know that the director is fine with it, and she will see us Monday morning at 10:30. Great!
Before we went to the agency we stopped by the hospital to get my blood drawn for another test. They are looking at my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated this time. There is some doubt in my mind if I did or not, because there was a big mix-up and I didn't end up taking the Ovidrel shot, which would help trigger ovulation. I forgot to call and tell the pharmacist when to fill the prescription, so when we needed it, they hadn't ordered it yet. Doh. So I freaked out a little, and then just decided to stop worrying about it and let God work in this. If He wants me to get pregnant, nothing will stop it. If He doesn't, then nothing will make it happen. I know I will soon be a mommy either by adoption or by biology, and that He delights in creating families, so I feel secure. He has promised to make the barren woman a happy mother of children. And sometimes that is through adoption. Not everyone clings to and claims that promise, but I do. And I think that some women who struggle with fertility problems end up being very fruitful spiritual mothers, even if they don't get to raise as many (or any) children in their home as they would have liked.
Last weekend we went up to IKEA and finally bought a crib and changing table. We wanted to have it all set up and put together for the safety inspection. I am super pumped about it. The nursery is pretty much in order now, except I still want to get a rocking chair for the nursery and a bassinet for our bedroom. Also, I need to get two changing pads- one for upstairs and one for downstairs. And there's a whole list of other stuff I need to get, but I'm sure that someone will want to throw a shower and I can register for some of this stuff.
So, I find out tomorrow morning if I ovulated or not. I am anxious to hear. And I have 5 days left til the homestudy. This is the big one, folks. The one we have been nervous about since we first started the process. The one where the agency decides if we are sane and stable enough to take in a baby, and if they like us enough to help us do so. I don't know of any reason they wouldn't decide in our favor on both of those topics, but I am nervous about being judged all the same.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Dreaming of Quiche
I have had this insatiable craving to gaze longingly at pictures and recipes of quiche lately. I'm hesitant and quakey at the idea of actually trying to make one, but the pictures of them just look so, so, so good. So I just thrill myself with a handful of Raisinets and a couple hours of perusing food blogs with pictures and recipes of other people's quiches. Lorraine, asparagus, broccoli, even cheeseburger... they all melt my butter. I am an equal-opportunity quiche admirer.
Today I took my last dose of estradiol and dexamethasone (i.e., hormone supplement and steroid). If my ovaries were a high school football team, the meds I take each cycle would loosely be characterized: Clomid as the coach, estradiol as the cheerleaders, and dexamethasone as the parent coalition. The Clomid tells the ovaries to make the eggs, the estradiol supports the development, and the dexamethasone (the steroid) keeps everyone from acting up.
Anyway, at this point I feel like I would do anything for a baby. I would even like to just borrow one for awhile. The hormones are running high, and I have a bad case of the baby-gimmes.
We now have a scheduled date for our safety inspection of our house. We are doing our best to jump back into the process of getting approved to adopt, and that is the second to last step. The final step is the home study.
This whole adoption journey has been complicated. It's a practical, time-consuming, and emotional journey all rolled into one. We went through a phase in the last four months or so where we both got pretty overwhelmed by it all and just needed to stick our heads in the sand for a while. After all, this isn't like buying a goldfish. This is an eternal, human life we're considering incorporating into our household for the long-haul, and training, teaching, and discipling for the glory of God. That, and ultimately we have the same issues as every human being on the face of the earth. We are subject to fear and selfishness.
We debated for a while whether or not we were pursuing adoption to please God or to try and circumvent His plan and fulfill our desires for a child ourselves. We want a family so badly, and we wanted to be careful that we weren't rushing forward by our own purposes and designs like Abraham and Sarah did with Hagar. We want to trust God with our family, and sometimes it gets a little confusing trying to tell which direction he wants us to go.
So, we took a break. And, I had my surgery. I decided that it would be good to make sure that I am healthy before we deliberately take on more responsibility. It would be one thing if God had just gone, "BAM! Baby!" and I got pregnant the way I was- obviously He knows best and would have sustained me through it. It's another thing to initiate a child's arrival ourselves while in a condition that's not conducive to being the best mommy I can be.
The break was also nice because we went through a very stressful period where well-meaning friends and family members suggested different scenarios where a baby might be available for adopting or need a home. I know that each time my friend/family member's heart was in the right place, but each time was such an emotional roller coaster. This happened three times, and by the time January was on its way out I was exhausted. I even went through a phase where my heart cried out, "God, if You decide to miraculously cause us to conceive a baby, fine. But I'm really okay with just my husband and my cat."
Thankfully I have pulled through, and am firmly on the other side of those sentiments. I once again feel emotionally secure and capable of survivng the process and cherishing children of my own. The desperation and impatience isn't eating me alive anymore.
I know some may wonder if it's wise to jump back into pursuing adoption while we are trying to conceive naturally as well. I wonder that, too. I also know that the more avenues I am pursuing the less anxious and obsessed I feel about each particular one. Having both options open clears the air, and helps me feel secure that it is going to happen. And not pursuing both avenues leaves me feeling sad. I have a very strong feeling that God wants to build our family in both ways, and I am excited to see what he is going to do.
Today I took my last dose of estradiol and dexamethasone (i.e., hormone supplement and steroid). If my ovaries were a high school football team, the meds I take each cycle would loosely be characterized: Clomid as the coach, estradiol as the cheerleaders, and dexamethasone as the parent coalition. The Clomid tells the ovaries to make the eggs, the estradiol supports the development, and the dexamethasone (the steroid) keeps everyone from acting up.
Anyway, at this point I feel like I would do anything for a baby. I would even like to just borrow one for awhile. The hormones are running high, and I have a bad case of the baby-gimmes.
We now have a scheduled date for our safety inspection of our house. We are doing our best to jump back into the process of getting approved to adopt, and that is the second to last step. The final step is the home study.
This whole adoption journey has been complicated. It's a practical, time-consuming, and emotional journey all rolled into one. We went through a phase in the last four months or so where we both got pretty overwhelmed by it all and just needed to stick our heads in the sand for a while. After all, this isn't like buying a goldfish. This is an eternal, human life we're considering incorporating into our household for the long-haul, and training, teaching, and discipling for the glory of God. That, and ultimately we have the same issues as every human being on the face of the earth. We are subject to fear and selfishness.
We debated for a while whether or not we were pursuing adoption to please God or to try and circumvent His plan and fulfill our desires for a child ourselves. We want a family so badly, and we wanted to be careful that we weren't rushing forward by our own purposes and designs like Abraham and Sarah did with Hagar. We want to trust God with our family, and sometimes it gets a little confusing trying to tell which direction he wants us to go.
So, we took a break. And, I had my surgery. I decided that it would be good to make sure that I am healthy before we deliberately take on more responsibility. It would be one thing if God had just gone, "BAM! Baby!" and I got pregnant the way I was- obviously He knows best and would have sustained me through it. It's another thing to initiate a child's arrival ourselves while in a condition that's not conducive to being the best mommy I can be.
The break was also nice because we went through a very stressful period where well-meaning friends and family members suggested different scenarios where a baby might be available for adopting or need a home. I know that each time my friend/family member's heart was in the right place, but each time was such an emotional roller coaster. This happened three times, and by the time January was on its way out I was exhausted. I even went through a phase where my heart cried out, "God, if You decide to miraculously cause us to conceive a baby, fine. But I'm really okay with just my husband and my cat."
Thankfully I have pulled through, and am firmly on the other side of those sentiments. I once again feel emotionally secure and capable of survivng the process and cherishing children of my own. The desperation and impatience isn't eating me alive anymore.
I know some may wonder if it's wise to jump back into pursuing adoption while we are trying to conceive naturally as well. I wonder that, too. I also know that the more avenues I am pursuing the less anxious and obsessed I feel about each particular one. Having both options open clears the air, and helps me feel secure that it is going to happen. And not pursuing both avenues leaves me feeling sad. I have a very strong feeling that God wants to build our family in both ways, and I am excited to see what he is going to do.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tomatoes and Eggs
I was so, so tempted to buy me some baby chicks today. David is so, so lucky that I chose instead to distract myself at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. As a result, there are now ruffles adorning our shower and a spiffy new set of shelves for holding towels, and no baby chicks making the noise with the peeping.... And yes, I am aware that I just finished using a whole lot of really bad English. I felt like it.
We started off this morning with the doctor. David had to get some blood drawn, and then I went for an appointment with the fertility doc to count eggs. This is my second round of Clomid. They found one egg/ follicle. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping for two or three follicles, in hopes that it would give us better odds of just getting one baby, but as a wise friend of mine pointed out: "All you need is one." We are hoping that I get the benefit that others have noted of increased fertility post-hystersalpingogram. They did that test on me Monday- they injected some dye into my innards to make sure my Fallopian tubes were all clear. They say that doing that test kind of flushes everything around and refreshes things, and gives a temporary spurt of increased fertility. It wasn't pleasant. It also wasn't the worst thing ever, but I would prefer not to do it again.
So, after the egg hunt and doctor visit was over, I dropped D off at work, and then proceeded to merrily gallavant around the town, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la-la-la-la, flinging coins to the peasants and twirling ribbons. And found myself wandering around a plant nursery daydreaming about making my way home with a truckload of flowers. To decorate the coop for the baby chicks. And maybe a duckling for good measure....
David and I have been talking about planting a garden, and honestly, the idea is just too scary for me at this point. But I salivate over the thought of fresh-picked tomatoes. And fried green tomatoes.... droooool.... So, I bought a couple of patio tomato plants that can stay in their little pots they came in and still sprout off a few fruits before they wither and die. I am delighted. And tickled pink. And a little giddy....
Then, to top it all off, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and got a few little things to give my master bath a facelift. And now my house is the proud owner of gratuitous ruffles.
We started off this morning with the doctor. David had to get some blood drawn, and then I went for an appointment with the fertility doc to count eggs. This is my second round of Clomid. They found one egg/ follicle. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping for two or three follicles, in hopes that it would give us better odds of just getting one baby, but as a wise friend of mine pointed out: "All you need is one." We are hoping that I get the benefit that others have noted of increased fertility post-hystersalpingogram. They did that test on me Monday- they injected some dye into my innards to make sure my Fallopian tubes were all clear. They say that doing that test kind of flushes everything around and refreshes things, and gives a temporary spurt of increased fertility. It wasn't pleasant. It also wasn't the worst thing ever, but I would prefer not to do it again.
So, after the egg hunt and doctor visit was over, I dropped D off at work, and then proceeded to merrily gallavant around the town, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la-la-la-la, flinging coins to the peasants and twirling ribbons. And found myself wandering around a plant nursery daydreaming about making my way home with a truckload of flowers. To decorate the coop for the baby chicks. And maybe a duckling for good measure....
David and I have been talking about planting a garden, and honestly, the idea is just too scary for me at this point. But I salivate over the thought of fresh-picked tomatoes. And fried green tomatoes.... droooool.... So, I bought a couple of patio tomato plants that can stay in their little pots they came in and still sprout off a few fruits before they wither and die. I am delighted. And tickled pink. And a little giddy....
Then, to top it all off, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and got a few little things to give my master bath a facelift. And now my house is the proud owner of gratuitous ruffles.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Feeling Weigh Down
This is the second day I have felt completely terrible. David passed on a doozy of a bug to me! I can't eat anything without feeling queasy and disgusted, and drinking isn't much better. I have been doing my best to stay hydrated despite it all, though. I have discovered G2 Raspberry Lemonade. It tastes great, which increases my minuscule amount of desire to drink it.... Also, it isn't quite as loaded with empty calories as normal Gatorade, and it helps replace electrolytes.
In our house, Gatorade is now referred to as "my Alligator", due to the overwhelming cuteness of one of our friends' sons. His name is Judson. He is two. I bought him and his sisters Sonic slushies last week, and the entire afternoon he was beside himself with glee over his Gatorade slush, which he called "my alligator." Love!
The upside of feeling bad is that my diet has taken care of itself lately. I have gotten to the point post-surgery where I can eat enough to not lose anymore weight-- especially if I am bad and eat foods classified as "sliders". Sliders are anything with high carbs/ high sugars that slide right through the sleeve. Things like candy, chocolate, crackers, chips, etc. Fruits and Vegetables also slide pretty easy, but they don't count as bad foods since they are high in nutrition and low in calories. The addition of dips, dressings, butter, oil, etc. would change their status to bad, though. If I am good about sticking to my eating plan, and stick to mostly meat and vegetables, I am not quite at the place where I can eat enough to gain weight. Meat and protein-rich foods stay in the sleeve longer, and make you full much quicker.
Anyway, the point is that I haven't wanted to eat anything in 24 hours, let alone the bad stuff. It hasn't been pleasant, but it will be nice to see the weight go down with little effort. My wonderful David has been so good to me, and has indulged my whims for liquids just to make sure I don't get dehydrated. Also, he is bringing me home some Orange Sherbet Push-pops. I love them.
This whole weight loss surgery process has made for an interesting few months. David has been so supportive and understanding throughout it all. The week before the surgery last December, he bought me a recliner for me to sleep in while I was recovering (I read on several message boards that this was a must-have, and I highly recommend it). It is now my favoritest place to sit in the whole house. For a good 8 weeks after surgery I was almost completely miserable. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was sit in my chair and either sleep or read a book. I had a few spurts of energy here and there, and I was super encouraged seeing the weight come flooding off, but for about 85% of the time I felt terrible and had to try very hard to be pleasant. Plus I had to make 3 separate trips to the ER. David was my champion through it all.
I don't know that there's any deep, significant truths or reflections in all this. I'm sure there are, but sometimes it takes time for them to find words. I am just so glad that I have a faithful God and a faithful spouse to walk with me, even through the yucky times.
In our house, Gatorade is now referred to as "my Alligator", due to the overwhelming cuteness of one of our friends' sons. His name is Judson. He is two. I bought him and his sisters Sonic slushies last week, and the entire afternoon he was beside himself with glee over his Gatorade slush, which he called "my alligator." Love!
The upside of feeling bad is that my diet has taken care of itself lately. I have gotten to the point post-surgery where I can eat enough to not lose anymore weight-- especially if I am bad and eat foods classified as "sliders". Sliders are anything with high carbs/ high sugars that slide right through the sleeve. Things like candy, chocolate, crackers, chips, etc. Fruits and Vegetables also slide pretty easy, but they don't count as bad foods since they are high in nutrition and low in calories. The addition of dips, dressings, butter, oil, etc. would change their status to bad, though. If I am good about sticking to my eating plan, and stick to mostly meat and vegetables, I am not quite at the place where I can eat enough to gain weight. Meat and protein-rich foods stay in the sleeve longer, and make you full much quicker.
Anyway, the point is that I haven't wanted to eat anything in 24 hours, let alone the bad stuff. It hasn't been pleasant, but it will be nice to see the weight go down with little effort. My wonderful David has been so good to me, and has indulged my whims for liquids just to make sure I don't get dehydrated. Also, he is bringing me home some Orange Sherbet Push-pops. I love them.
This whole weight loss surgery process has made for an interesting few months. David has been so supportive and understanding throughout it all. The week before the surgery last December, he bought me a recliner for me to sleep in while I was recovering (I read on several message boards that this was a must-have, and I highly recommend it). It is now my favoritest place to sit in the whole house. For a good 8 weeks after surgery I was almost completely miserable. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was sit in my chair and either sleep or read a book. I had a few spurts of energy here and there, and I was super encouraged seeing the weight come flooding off, but for about 85% of the time I felt terrible and had to try very hard to be pleasant. Plus I had to make 3 separate trips to the ER. David was my champion through it all.
I don't know that there's any deep, significant truths or reflections in all this. I'm sure there are, but sometimes it takes time for them to find words. I am just so glad that I have a faithful God and a faithful spouse to walk with me, even through the yucky times.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Back After Another Hiatus
I just realized it has been an incredibly long time since I have posted anything! Again!
So, to update, the adoption stuff is on hold. We still want to, but we decided to take few months and see if we can have a baby naturally. In the meantime, Trinket is getting plenty of cuddles.
Also, we decided to move forward in finding Zenzi a new home. We knew we would have to do it eventually, since she never met a child she didn't want to test her teeth on. It's been one month since we said goodbye, and I have gotten several updates from her foster mommy that she is doing really, really well. She loves having other Keeshonds to play with, and her sleeping arrangement has been upgraded to being in bed all night with her beloved peoples.
Another major change around here is that I had weight loss surgery last December. I have lost about 60 pounds so far! This is another reason why we wanted to give pregnancy a shot. Of course, we don't believe in doing anything to prevent a pregnancy, I just use that language to signify our using fertility meds. Today was the beginning of my second round of Clomid. I am also going in less than a week for a hysterosalpingogram, which is a test to make sure that my Fallopian tubes are clear, and don't have some kind of blockage preventing pregnancy. We are praying that everything is clear and that this round is successful. They checked out my ovaries yesterday to make sure everything looked good before starting this round of Clomid, and it all looked great. This is the first time in two years that I am completely cyst-free!
The biggest thing lately has just been an onslaught of illness- David came home Monday with a violent stomach bug, and promptly shared it with me. It has been a little miserable around here the last three days. This is also the week that our church is doing VBS, and I am supposed to be helping. I made it Monday and today, but I'm not sure if I will be going back. Puking on the kids would be a bad thing, I think.
We also just got back in town from Louisiana- we were there over the weekend for an Above Rubies retreat/ family camp. We met several new friends, and were so encouraged gathering together with like-minded believers.
That's about all I can come up with at the moment. Prayers for wellness and a bouncing bundle are appreciated always!
So, to update, the adoption stuff is on hold. We still want to, but we decided to take few months and see if we can have a baby naturally. In the meantime, Trinket is getting plenty of cuddles.
Also, we decided to move forward in finding Zenzi a new home. We knew we would have to do it eventually, since she never met a child she didn't want to test her teeth on. It's been one month since we said goodbye, and I have gotten several updates from her foster mommy that she is doing really, really well. She loves having other Keeshonds to play with, and her sleeping arrangement has been upgraded to being in bed all night with her beloved peoples.
Another major change around here is that I had weight loss surgery last December. I have lost about 60 pounds so far! This is another reason why we wanted to give pregnancy a shot. Of course, we don't believe in doing anything to prevent a pregnancy, I just use that language to signify our using fertility meds. Today was the beginning of my second round of Clomid. I am also going in less than a week for a hysterosalpingogram, which is a test to make sure that my Fallopian tubes are clear, and don't have some kind of blockage preventing pregnancy. We are praying that everything is clear and that this round is successful. They checked out my ovaries yesterday to make sure everything looked good before starting this round of Clomid, and it all looked great. This is the first time in two years that I am completely cyst-free!
The biggest thing lately has just been an onslaught of illness- David came home Monday with a violent stomach bug, and promptly shared it with me. It has been a little miserable around here the last three days. This is also the week that our church is doing VBS, and I am supposed to be helping. I made it Monday and today, but I'm not sure if I will be going back. Puking on the kids would be a bad thing, I think.
We also just got back in town from Louisiana- we were there over the weekend for an Above Rubies retreat/ family camp. We met several new friends, and were so encouraged gathering together with like-minded believers.
That's about all I can come up with at the moment. Prayers for wellness and a bouncing bundle are appreciated always!
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