Happenings

I can't come up with a better post title...

Nothing much has been going on for me lately. I have been basking in the enjoyment of having quiet days at home and reading. I have also been delighting in Netflix and a couple current shows that I follow online. My current favorite is "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo". I can't help myself...

At the first glance, that family seems like a capsulized version of everything wrong with America today. However, it sucks you in. The best part of it is definitely Mama- her version of self-awareness coupled with her complete lack of shame make for great TV. It feels okay to laugh at the things she does and says (at least the ones that are funny...) because she is obviously in on the joke. The producers want us to think she's just a run-of-the-mill hilljack, but she is one smart cookie in my opinion. Lady can hustle.

We have another class to take at the adoption agency tomorrow. It's been a year since we took the course on behavior modification, so we are taking it again. I really, really hope we can get all the i's and t's dotted and crossed soon. I'm having a moment where all I want is to hold a baby. Preferably my own.

It's one week until my precious niece gets married! I am so excited for her, and I think the lucky guy is awesome. He seems like a very fun, kind, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy. They are perfect for each other.

Not long ago I got together with my sisters, my older nieces, and a friend for a body-wrap party. I had a great time, but the best part was spending time with family. I was amazed upon reflection at just how full of love my heart felt for them. I was all warm and squishy inside. Going home later that evening was hard- I just wanted to stay cuddled up with them, talking and soaking in their presence all night. It will be really hard when my niece moves away after she's married. I will miss her.

Contentment?

David and I were talking late into the night a couple of nights ago. Sometimes it's like you can be near to one another and yet so far, and then suddenly look over and think, "oh yeah, it's you! I like you!" And then you talk and talk and talk, like slaking a thirst after wandering the desert. I love talking to him.

Anyway, we were talking about life, and children. We heard from our adoption agency caseworker last Friday with a couple of last-minute questions. She is working on gathering our file. We contacted her about three days or so after losing the baby, and let her know that we wanted to take our file off the shelf and get back into it. It was a month of blowing hot and cold with us for her. We got into contact with her in early June to let her know we wanted to go ahead and finish the licensing process. Then we were sucked into a whirlwind of activity, getting the house ready, getting inspections done, and then doing the homestudy. Five days after doing the homestudy, we found out we were pregnant. I called her the next day and told her our news, and let her know that we wanted to hold off on adopting until the baby was born and settled in. Then, two weeks later, we found out we lost the baby. Three days after that we contacted the caseworker and let her know what happened, and that we wanted back in.

At the time we contacted her to get going again, I wasn't sure I was ready to think about other children yet, as I was still mourning the death of my Tristan. Thankfully I was seeing a counselor who encouraged me to go ahead and prepare to go forward with the adoption, encouraging me that my feelings would change. She knows me well, and knows just how long David and I have wanted a family. At about 9 days out from learning I would miscarry, I was ready to start thinking about adopting and/or getting pregnant again. I am glad that we contacted our caseworker when we did because we were moved to the end of her docket, and it has taken her 3 weeks or so to get back to us. And I am definitely ready now to proceed.

So, back to my original comment- David and I were talking about life. He said that he liked our life right now. Not so much that he wants it to stay this way forever- he definitely wants all the hubbub and chaos a baby will bring, on top of the love, cuddles and cuteness. But, he said he was enjoying it for right now. He feels contentment. I feel more like I'm waiting. There's not really anything left for us to do in reaching our goals at the moment. Pregnancy and adoption are all in the hands of others at the moment. Pregnancy is in the hands of God, and adoption is too, but its also more immediately in the hands of the system and our agency. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before we can start reviewing cases and applying in specific cases to adopt.

Homestudy- CHECK!!

We finally got the homestudy done! This past Monday, our new caseworker came by and stayed for over four hours. Pretty much all of that time was spent in interviews. Of course, my answers took a lot more time than David's. My individual interview took an hour and fifteen minutes, whereas David's only took 35 minutes. It all went pretty smoothly, and she seemed to enjoy her time with us.

Yesterday we had a whole bunch of people over for the 4th. I had a great time, and I was so excited to have so many people from church and my family all together. Of course, it wouldn't be a true party without whipping out the Settlers of Catan. David won. He's the man.

I made so many things from Pinterest.  It has become my new hobby/addiction. For the party we made steaks with a marinade from pinterest, macaroni salad (pinterest), rattlesnake bites (pinterest), sugar cookies (pinterest), lemon icebox pie, fruit kabobs (pinterest), apple cinnamon cake (pinterest), and corn casserole (pinterest). We also grilled hot dogs and made lemonade and tea. Then, guests brought lots of yummy stuff as well. We had quite the spread when it was all said and done!

I have been doing a lot of cooking from recipes found on pinterest throughout the week as well. Tonight for dinner we had fried cabbage with bacon and onions and some more rattlesnake bites.  The cabbage was so good that we kept eating it with our fingers before it was time to sit and eat....Hey, I won't judge you if you don't judge me....

When I told my sister about the fried cabbage recipe, and about how she NEEDED to try it ASAP, she was like fried?? It's not one of those state fair variety breaded-and-dropped-in-a-vat-of-hot-grease type fried. Its the whole sauteed-in-a-bit-of-bacon-grease-in-a-frying-pan-and-we're-from-the-south-y'all-where-we-don't-use-words-like-saute type of fried. And it is delicious.

Here's the recipe:
http://lowcarblayla.blogspot.com/2012/04/cabbage-fried-with-bacon-and-onions.html
You're welcome.

Happenings

Tonight we had a lovefest with the animals.  All three were involved and committed to the playing with toys. The cats were so excited that they just about had an aneurysm. They were overloaded with joy at the experience of their life not being boring for 20 minutes.

David made some really delicious lemonade the day before yesterday. He used half the recommended amount of lemonade mix (Countrytime) and then sweetened it up with Sweet n low. Then he added four slices of lemon to soak. And it is sooooo tasty. And pretty. I am addicted. Usually full strength lemonade leaves me feeling a sugar overload, but this stuff is nice, light, and refreshing. And it doesn't leave my lips feeling sticky.

Yesterday we drove all 35 minutes over to our adoption agency. I wanted to meet our new caseworker in person before the homestudy, and we had the last of our paperwork all gathered up to turn in. She was SO nice!! She seemed to really like us, and was way more on the ball and accommodating than the last guy. She is also really good about getting back to us quickly. She went ahead and gave us a tentative time and date for the homestudy! I was impressed because their initial policy line is, "I'll check and see who is available, and after the director looks over your file and approves it we will get back to you." But this awesome lady was just like, "You know what? I have some free time, so I'll just do it. Can I put you down for next Monday?" Can I say again that she is awesome? And she emailed today to let us know that the director is fine with it, and she will see us Monday morning at 10:30. Great!

Before we went to the agency we stopped by the hospital to get my blood drawn for another test. They are looking at my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated this time. There is some doubt in my mind if I did or not, because there was a big mix-up and I didn't end up taking the Ovidrel shot, which would help trigger ovulation. I forgot to call and tell the pharmacist when to fill the prescription, so when we needed it, they hadn't ordered it yet. Doh. So I freaked out a little, and then just decided to stop worrying about it and let God work in this. If He wants me to get pregnant, nothing will stop it. If He doesn't, then nothing will make it happen. I know I will soon be a mommy either by adoption or by biology, and that He delights in creating families, so I feel secure. He has promised to make the barren woman a happy mother of children. And sometimes that is through adoption. Not everyone clings to and claims that promise, but I do. And I think that some women who struggle with fertility problems end up being very fruitful spiritual mothers, even if they don't get to raise as many (or any) children in their home as they would have liked.

Last weekend we went up to IKEA and finally bought a crib and changing table. We wanted to have it all set up and put together for the safety inspection. I am super pumped about it.  The nursery is pretty much in order now, except I still want to get a rocking chair for the nursery and a bassinet for our bedroom.  Also, I need to get two changing pads- one for upstairs and one for downstairs. And there's a whole list of other stuff I need to get, but I'm sure that someone will want to throw a shower and I can register for some of this stuff.

So, I find out tomorrow morning if I ovulated or not. I am anxious to hear. And I have 5 days left til the homestudy.  This is the big one, folks. The one we have been nervous about since we first started the process. The one where the agency decides if we are sane and stable enough to take in a baby, and if they like us enough to help us do so. I don't know of any reason they wouldn't decide in our favor on both of those topics, but I am nervous about being judged all the same. 

Dreaming of Quiche

I have had this insatiable craving to gaze longingly at pictures and recipes of quiche lately. I'm hesitant and quakey at the idea of actually trying to make one, but the pictures of them just look so, so, so good. So I just thrill myself with a handful of Raisinets and a couple hours of perusing food blogs with pictures and recipes of other people's quiches. Lorraine, asparagus, broccoli, even cheeseburger... they all melt my butter.  I am an equal-opportunity quiche admirer.

Today I took my last dose of estradiol and dexamethasone (i.e., hormone supplement and steroid). If my ovaries were a high school football team, the meds I take each cycle would loosely be characterized: Clomid as the coach, estradiol as the cheerleaders, and dexamethasone as the parent coalition. The Clomid tells the ovaries to make the eggs, the estradiol supports the development, and the dexamethasone (the steroid) keeps everyone from acting up.

Anyway, at this point I feel like I would do anything for a baby. I would even like to just borrow one for awhile. The hormones are running high, and I have a bad case of the baby-gimmes.

We now have a scheduled date for our safety inspection of our house. We are doing our best to jump back into the process of getting approved to adopt, and that is the second to last step.  The final step is the home study.

This whole adoption journey has been complicated.  It's a practical, time-consuming, and emotional journey all rolled into one. We went through a phase in the last four months or so where we both got pretty overwhelmed by it all and just needed to stick our heads in the sand for a while. After all, this isn't like buying a goldfish.  This is an eternal, human life we're considering incorporating into our household for the long-haul, and training, teaching, and discipling for the glory of God. That, and ultimately we have the same issues as every human being on the face of the earth.  We are subject to fear and selfishness.

We debated for a while whether or not we were pursuing adoption to please God or to try and circumvent His plan and fulfill our desires for a child ourselves. We want a family so badly, and we wanted to be careful that we weren't rushing forward by our own purposes and designs like Abraham and Sarah did with Hagar. We want to trust God with our family, and sometimes it gets a little confusing trying to tell which direction he wants us to go.

So, we took a break. And, I had my surgery.  I decided that it would be good to make sure that I am healthy before we deliberately take on more responsibility. It would be one thing if God had just gone, "BAM! Baby!" and I got pregnant the way I was- obviously He knows best and would have sustained me through it. It's another thing to initiate a child's arrival ourselves while in a condition that's not conducive to being the best mommy I can be.

The break was also nice because we went through a very stressful period where well-meaning friends and family members suggested different scenarios where a baby might be available for adopting or need a home. I know that each time my friend/family member's heart was in the right place, but each time was such an emotional roller coaster. This happened three times, and by the time January was on its way out I was exhausted. I even went through a phase where my heart cried out, "God, if You decide to miraculously cause us to conceive a baby, fine. But I'm really okay with just my husband and my cat."

Thankfully I have pulled through, and am firmly on the other side of those sentiments. I once again feel emotionally secure and capable of survivng the process and cherishing children of my own. The desperation and impatience isn't eating me alive anymore.

I know some may wonder if it's wise to jump back into pursuing adoption while we are trying to conceive naturally as well. I wonder that, too. I also know that the more avenues I am pursuing the less anxious and obsessed I feel about each particular one. Having both options open clears the air, and helps me feel secure that it is going to happen. And not pursuing both avenues leaves me feeling sad.  I have a very strong feeling that God wants to build our family in both ways, and I am excited to see what he is going to do.

Another Step

Last Friday we went and got fingerprinted. This whole process seems to get a little longer and more complicated every time I talk to our caseworker, but at least it shouldn't be too much longer now. They said that it usually takes about a week for the background check to come back, so hopefully next Friday we will finally be able to make the appointment for the homestudy.

Honoring the Honorable

Sometimes I need to take a break from complaining and dry humor, and just put some good vibes out there. Last night, we were getting ready our house ready for the fire inspection this morning, and doing a bare-minimums sweep on safety projects. We had most everything done, and were wandering around putting errant cleaners, chemicals, matches, fire-starters, etc. away. After a little while, I was in the kitchen, and David came in and said, "I fixed the laundry hamper.  You should see it." And then walked out with no further ceremony. My curiosity was piqued, so I went to go and look at what he was talking about. Things having to do with laundry hampers were not on any list that I was aware of.

I got back into our bathroom, and was surprised and delighted to see that my wonderful hubs had put a magnetic latch on the inside of the cabinet door to the laundry hamper! Before, whenever it started to get full, the door would have to be wedged shut with another cabinet door to keep it from spilling open. I didn't even know he had the supplies to fix something like that! He is so wonderful to me, and I pray that God will never let me become numb to or take for granted his caring, considerate spirit.

Also, in other news, the fire inspection went wonderfully this morning! God blessed us with a very quick, easy, laid-back inspection first thing this morning.  The fire marshall said after he was almost done that it wasn't surprising that David is an engineer, because our house was perfect (and usually homes with an engineer living in them are like that.... lol.... love my engineer! :) )  All we have left standing between us and our baby is the homestudy, and however long it takes to locate our child. Hooray! :)

Things to Say When Your Friend Says They are Adopting:

1) Congratulations!
2) Oh WOW! How exciting!
3) You'll be wonderful parents- what a lucky child!
4) Tell me more about it!
5) That's great- I can't wait to meet them!

Things NOT to say to your friend when they say they are adopting (not that you aren't well-meaning...):
1) I'll still be praying for you to have your own.
2) Maybe this will take the pressure off and then you can finally get pregnant!
3) WHY?!?
4) Oh, well... at least you can still have a family this way...
5) Have you talked to _(insert name of family with horrific adoption experience here)_ ? You might want to before you make up your mind.

Adoption Update

I finally got a date set for the fire inspection. Let the celebration commence! Just hold the fireworks...lol.

And, today is pay-day. Now we can afford to buy/replace the rest of what is needed to pass the inspection, and tie up all the loose ends before inspection day. Inspection day is Nov. 8th.

New Update on Adoption

We turned in our paperwork last Thursday.  In a way, I am excited. I'm also back into the waiting mode which tends to foster anxiety and impatience and peevishness in my heart. I so just want this to all be over already so I can bring home a child of my own.  All we have left to do is get our house inspected by the fire department, and then get the homestudy done.

Happenings

Last night David and I went to BuyBuy Baby and looked at their gigantic warehouse of stuff.  Thankfully the have not followed the trend of excluding all things Duck from their selections.  I found a crib that I really like there- it has a changing table built into it, and eventually can convert into a toddler bed and then a double bed.  And I got to squeal over lots of stuff! :)  David is so good to me.

Today, the bookshelf that I ordered for the nursery came in.  I haven't opened the box yet.  I'm waiting for David to get home so he can help open it, and share the joy.

Excerpts from my Adoption Profile

Not all questions on the profile are worthy or good for sharing, but I wanted to give you all a little taste of the better questions and answers from all the paperwork.

How do you think becoming a foster/adopt parent will affect your employment/work?
I am a stay-at-home-wife currently, so it will change everything. It will also give me a lot of joy and fulfillment. Throughout my life, whenever I pondered what I wanted to do with myself as an adult, the only consistent answers were to be a wife and mother.

How important do you feel extra-curricular (school and personal) activities are for children?
They are very important. Children need a large network of friends, interests, and mentors in their life. The more people that are involved and invested in a child's life, helping them work toward a bright future, the better.

How important will your foster/adopt child's grades and school performance be to you?
It is very important to me that my children do their best in all they do, as for God and not men.  However, the grade letter isn't as important as it is for them to develop character, wisdom, and their individual God-given talents and potential. I will do whatever it takes to see my children succeed in school and in life overall.

What do you see as your greatest strength as a parental role model?
I am very willing to admit when I am wrong or have made a mistake, and ask for forgiveness and prayers. I want my kids to learn through my behavior and teaching that there is no mistake that is too big to be forgiven, and that God's grace covers over all our imperfections. One of my dreams for my relationship with my children is to build a team-effort attitude with them in their raising, and for them to pray for me every day in my job as their mommy. I don't want to have an arrogant attitude with them, and act like I never make mistakes, misunderstand, or sin.

What is your greatest fear about fostering/adopting children?
That I will get attached to a child, and they will attach to me, and then not be able to keep them. Also, I am afraid that they will never come to a place where they are glad to have me as their mom.

What would you like to tell a perspective foster/adopt child about your home and family?
I am so, so looking forward to meeting them! I will love them forever, and once they are in my family they will have a home with me forever-- or as long as they want one.  I will never give up on them.

Please compose a brief statement of your religious faith.
I believe in a sovereign God, and in salvation through faith alone, by grace alone, in Christ Jesus alone. Everything that happens in this world is for the purpose of revealing the glory of God in some way. We are saved by the mercy of God, and not by works. Jesus was the son of God, and was both fully God and fully human. Our life on Earth was foreordained through God's wisdom and love, and we have a responsibility to be servants, encouragers, and messengers of the gospel.  There are no coincidences, and while God grieves at the evil in this world, we are guaranteed that He will make everything work out for our good, those of us who love Him.
Christ (God) is my first love in this world and the next. He is my ultimate joy, and whenever I think on him my soul brims with sweetness.  Nothing is as important to me as knowing Christ more and more, and knowing that those around me know Him also.
I love to study the Word, meditate on its wisdom, and look for signs in my daily life of the Spirit at work. There's no way to ever completely understand God with our human minds; I just do my best to be open and accepting of everything I learn through the Word, and read it without bias or notions of what it "should" say or mean. The best excitement to me is contemplating being with God in heaven someday, and learning at the feet of Jesus.

Letting Go

I've been thinking a lot today about all the blessings in my life.  I had a good hour of such sweet fellowship with my David this morning during/after our morning Bible study time.  I have such an immense amount of adoration and respect for him- I feel overwhelmed when I think about just how big of a blessing he is to me.  In a way, he is the proof to my heart that God loves me.

I've been thinking a lot about how the blessing of having a good husband is not something that I feel I gave myself.  I truly feel like God brought us to each other, and then worked a miracle. Then I think about all my desire and aspiration toward parenthood, and it's like starting back at square one of my trust in God.  This is one thing that is impossible for me to control- we are open to accepting whatever God brings us (under the age of three), with no preference set even on the gender. I can't do anything to make it happen faster or slower.  I have to just keep working through the system and the training, and then it comes to a point where it's all on God.

I find myself getting anxious, and worrying that the blessing God is bringing won't be good. Or even worse, that He isn't bringing one at all.  And then I think about how much He has been faithful to me thus far, and the thought comes: the question isn't "How can I trust Him?", but "How could I not?"